Tonight was a very good night. I couldn't have hoped for anything more, honestly.

Oh dear. I just saw a commercial for a philly cheese steak burger. It has a burger patty AND pieces of "steak." The shit carls junior comes up with honestly makes me wanna barf somethimes. I'll take the green burrito any day.

Black Bear

In the woods in the mountains is a good place to begin
a song about a black bear living in his black bear den
doing all the black bear things a black bear just might do
I hope in my next lifetime I could be a black bear too
And here comes black bear now, crashing through the brush
unfazed by thorns and branches that would hurt me to the touch
in the pursuit of some small animal; the foodchain is a truth
and the bear has the advantage of the massive claw and tooth
but he'll also stop for berries or honey from the bees
or nuts that he can shake down from the canopy of trees
and afterward he'll have his choice from any stream to drink
while I fill up another cup from my old kitchen sink
and if he wants, he'll have a nap and dream his black bear dreams
that I could onyll dream of like i dream to drink from streams
and as he sleeps he hears the breeze and knows that he is safe
while I'm sleeping with the fan on to drown out my lack of faith
the simplicity of solitude is a hard one to perfect
stealing happiness from lonliness is not a simply theft
but the black bear has it figured out and gets what he deserves
and the fur that he is wearing is the fur that he prefers
and when he stared across the river
into my eyes it made me shiver
and i knew that it was lovely
to have a black bear thinking of me
and when he thinks, he is thoughtful
and when he rests, he is restful
and when he runs, he runs the fastest
and spins the earth right on its axes
and that's his gift to all, showing us the sun
keeping time for everyone, a steady beating drum
and in all the dirt he bounds upon he leaves a stady track
that is deep when he is young and blue, but deepest when he's black
because color for the black bear is a synonym for age
if I were one then i'd be in my cinnamon phase
instead I am at twenty two and the decades way a ton
this new century's essentially a bullet from a gun
it takes coffee pots that cost a lot just to stay abreast
but the coffee hits my sense of loss and makes a nervous wreck
the simplicity of solitude is a hard one to perfect
stealing happiness from lonliness is not a simple theft
but the black bear has it figured out and gets what he deserves
and the fur that he is wearing is the fur that he prefers

Yoshinoya Beef Bowl

I made a funny.

Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset

For some reason the shins make so much more sense to me in the context of a car. It's probably because that's really the only place I have listened to them over the years. I have a very limited CD collection, you see, so the shins get a lot of play, and after having beaten them into a bloody pulp while driving back and forth in everyday life, I really have no desire to listen to them at home or on my ipod. Anyway, I have been listening to Wincing the Night Away a lot the past few days and being like meh, it's pretty good. But last night while driving around with Josh it was so much better.

As far as I'm concerned, some songs just need some scenery in order for you to understand them. Like one time I was listening to Saeglopur by Sigur Ros while walking across campus on a grey afternoon and watching everyone's faces go by, and suddenly I fell in love with the band, so much so that when my TA happened to ask us in class that day about our favorite music, I almost raised my hand and said Sigur Ros. I had to remind myself that for one thing I would sound like a pretentious asshole, and also that I had only heard two songs by them. Or the time when I sat on a rock at Windansea beach watching the sillhouettes of a father and son play in the waves at sunset, while listening to Anthems for a 17 Year Old Girl by broken social scene. I always liked the song, but at that moment I felt like I got it. Not the lyrics or anything, but something about that banjo and the violins and the way they make you feel.

Or take America by Simon and Garfunkel. It's a great song no matter when you hear it, but doesn't it's greatness just increase exponentially the second you put it in a car? I could be sitting at the intersection next to vons, and suddenly everything becomes so beautiful. All of a sudden those SUVs aren't going to Taco Bell or the ATM. They're looking for America! Aren't we all? You picture yourself on the trip they're describing, Michigan really does seem a dream, you really are empty and aching, and you really don't know why. But it might have to do with you sticking some cheesy mix CD entitled "Crusin Music" into your dashboard.

And then there are the songs that need air. The ones where I feel this inexplicable need to roll down my window and scream out the lyrics to the world. This most often occurs with El Scorcho by Weezer. It just feels so good. And there are songs that sound better driving at night time. The ones that need the contast of the bright lights against the darkness and the speed and the recklessness of the night. I am thinking specifically of Did You See The Words by Animal Collective here. It sounds good right now, but last night, driving, it sounded really good.

It's kind of strange that music should be this way when one considers that it's usually made within the confines of a recording studio. I mean you can't exactly write a song in the fast lane of the 5, and you can't make a decent recording on the beach at sunset. So how do they get that stuff in there? It's a mystery to me. Maybe the song itself is like an empty vessel that we fill up with our own meanings and associations. But I like to think that maybe if the people who made the songs were to see the things I see, they might feel the same way.

So I guess what I need to do is burn myself a copy of wincing the night away, put it in my silly sun visor CD holder thingy, and never bother listening to it in front of this computer screen ever again.

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore

Over the past few years it's become sort of a tradition for me and various friends to go see the Christmas lights at Thoroughbred Lane. This year, what with people working and coming home for break at different times and losing touch and not caring that much, I didn't think it would happen, really. I imagined a couple of us would maybe go and it would be alright, but I didn't really believe it would be a big group activity like it was in the past. However, I figured that the least I could do is try. So for once I didn't pull my usual resentful of leadership supposedly indifferent crap and hey, what do you know, I actually found a day when people are free, and if all goes as planned, I guess we are actually all going to go see the lights on Thursday. This makes me happy. It's good to know that despite all the distance and plans fallen-through and ignored, and hard feelings and good feelings, we are at least still capable of all getting in a car at the same time and donning some scarves and sharing some laughs and walking down a pretty street together. Makes me wanna sing!

oldest friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more
and through the years we all will be together
if the fates allow
hang a shining star upon the highest bough
and have yourself a merry little Christmas now


yeah right! But such a nice song.

Wincing the Night Away

by the way I AM SO ANGRY THAT I MISSED THE SHINS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It just hit me how much that sucks. gaaahhhh I love them so much. Furthermore, I can't believe Charlene got to go. She has all the luck.

Their new album is pretty much really good. And I can tell it will grow on me.

I almost forgot about my resolution to post the lyrics of amazing Christmas carols. Good thing I am so narcissistic and enjoy reading my old blogs over and over again. Phew!

Anyway, ok, I guess Oh Little Town of Bethlehem is pretty amazing!

Oh little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see thee lie.
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep,
the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
the everlasting light,
the hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.

How silently, how silently,
the wondrous gift is given,
how God imparts to human hearts
the blessings of his heaven.
No ear may hear him coming,
but in this world of sin,
where meek souls will receive him still
the dear Christ enters in.

This song is amazing because it's about how God chooses small and weak things to do his will. Like for instance Bethlehem and us. How he does things quietly and doesn't need make a big show about it in order for it to mean something big. It's just that there was this small quiet little town called Bethlehem and one night God was born there. That's all. So simple and yet so profound. Also this song has a really great melody that must have some minor chords or something that makes it sound so dark and beautiful. When I hear this song I feel like for a few minutes, I understand.

See them fashion a cap from a page of Camus

I was just reading a list of "5 Great Ways to Increase Hope" in, supposedly, The World's Best Bathroom Book (I can, however, vouch for the fact that it is not). Way #3 made me LOL a little bit:

"Drink hot cocoa or eat a banana. Chocolate cures most problems, and it's been said that bananas cure existential dread."

WHAT?! Who says that? I don't know, but I'm sure glad they did.

Josh, I hope you're listening.

Edward Philip Quinlan-- the only person I know in the whole wide world who still admits to liking Linkin Park. You've gotta give him some credit for that, right? Eddie kid, I haven't seen you in centuries. What's up with that?

Shut the hell up, you dumb freakin Swede!

Spent today watching Grumpy Old Men (a very underapreciated movie, in my opinion), baking cookies for the extended family to eat on saturday, and uploading old music to Whitfield's aunt's ipod which I am hoping she will like. Am currently listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. "Do do do, looking out my back door!" Good times, great oldies. Kola 99.9?

Here are the promised oregon pictures, if anyone cares.

tree shopping:


freak:


copy cats:


bleak:


seasons?!




wise:


promise:

(in case you hadn't already heard about this)

I am friends with the Decemberists on myspace, and because of this (who needs pitchfork eh?) I have become aware of an epic battle that has been raging between the band and Stephen Colbert. Apparently they have ripped off Colbert's green-screen challenge, the one where he was flailing around with a light saber and fans supplied the background, and are currently running just such a contest to provide the background of the music video for their new (and not all that good) single "O Valencia!" In an act of revenge Colbert has now challenged viewers to incorporate the original light saber footage into the msuic video. "Let's see how well they perform their trademark brand of hyper-literate prog rock when I'm slicing off their legs at the knee," quoth he. The decembrists promptly issued a counter statement, claiming that Colbert had in fact stolen the idea of a light saber battle from the Decemberists, providing as proof a link to a youtube video of the band live in San Fransisco staging, sure enough, but not sure why, a light saber battle! Well anyway, they ended up challenging Colbert to a guitar duel, including in their official statement the phrase "let's SHRED", so you know it's serious, and he has just accepted, insisting that, "I am going to jam out a solo with so many dominant sevenths and ascending pentatonic patterns it'll make Yngwie Malmsteen sound like Raffi." The battle is to take place December 20th (supposedly to give the band the home field advantage) on Colbert's show, and I for one am looking forward to it.

Anu likes to make fun of me on her blog, so I will make fun of her on mine. I don't even need words to describe what a freak she is:



And this was even before I actually had to live in the same room with her. If only I had known.... Actually, on second thought, this is not even funny. More just disturbing and wrong.

word of the day: taxonomy

I just spent a pretty long time tagging my old blogs. I have a lot of posts about music and a lot of posts about complaining. I feel ok about the former but ashamed of the later. I guess I have something to work on. Anyway I had just been thinking to myself how satisfying tags (or "labels," according to Blogger) are, how they let you divide your thoughts into categories and make everything nice and seperate but also linked. And it was kind of funny, cause then I decided to check on the asthmatic kitty sidebar and was greeted by a new
essay that was partly about the very same idea, only much more thougtful, wise, and well-written. Sigh, I suck.

and I knew that it was lovely to have a black bear thinking of me

If you are looking for a good song to listen to, I recommend Black Bear by Black Bear. haha! It is especially nice while flying over northern California, the part with the snowy mountains and everything. But if you can't do that, a dark car with your friends at 4 in the morning is almost as good.

My friend Christopher Whitfield/Clubb is a pretty outstanding guy.



Yeah, that just happened! Well, no, actually that was like at least 3 months ago, but I just wanted to be one of the cool kids and quote Talladega Nights.

I will post some pictures from Oregon tomorrow, I think I got some pretty decent ones at the Christmas tree farm we went to. Oregon has a lot of trees and that is nice. The people there are nice as well, and so is the cold, as long as you have a coat.

Musicmusicmusicmusic, or, dear matt, I fixed the network problem and...

This is a picture how happy I feel right now on the inside. I love my brother and his downloading/organizing skills so much. 1.62 new gigs of wonderful new music (including never before heard material from the shins and iron and wine(!), as well as several bands I have been wanting to hear forever) just in time for my flight to oregon. Literally; I am leaving in two hours. Yikes, better pack eh?

blurry gas station phtotography with birds!

I've decided that blog are way more fun to read when they include pictures. And though I don't take pictures very often, I figure i can include an unrelated one now and then, just for the sake of it. It is nice to be home.

If the ice caps are really melting,
I would like to climb to the top of the world
and take a slide
down the slippery side
maybe hitch a ride
on a shard of ice
and ride the wave to California.

If the sun is really exploding,
I would like to climb to the top of a building
and take some shades
off the top of my head
and watch and feel
and drink the red
of the best-ever sunset.

If God is really coming,
I would like to crawl into a moldy basement
and hide beneath the cardboard
and my dog's old bed
and shudder and sputter
and hold my head
and try to be sorry enough.

-Anonymous

Homeward Bound

...is not only a really dumb movie about dogs, but will be me, tomorrow! It doesn't feel like the quarter is over, but I suppose it is. I guess I won't be seeing my school friends for a whole month, which is kind of weird, but not really. I think a lot of times we try to make a big deal of things like this because it makes us feel like our lives are more meaningful or something. I won't see my friends for a month, and then I will see them again. Oh well. There are more important things to make big deals about (yes, this is blatant hypocrisy, or maybe just a dis on my friends?). Namely, Christmas and traveling. I think I am going to watch Elf later to get myself in the spirit of things, because if there's one thing that will knock the jolliness right out of you, it's finals week.

at least I spelled your name right?

Finals are done! Except for physics, which I am actually trying to do badly on. What a relief.

Wilco- We're Just Friends
Sufjan Stevens- Dumb I Sound
Neutral Milk Hotel- Two Headed Boy pt. 2
Postal Service- Natural Anthem
The New Pornographers- Blown Speakers

are good songs today.

I have a lot of music I need to catch up on. I haven't even heard the new albums from the shins, the decemberists, or damien rice. What a horrible fan I am. I also have an ever-increasing list of music I want to check out but have not gotten around to. The problem is, I keep on forgetting it.

I am not sure, but I think this might be the tiredest I have ever been in my entire life. That is probably not true, but it feels true at the moment. I really am not sure how I managed to get out of bed, but it was definitely a miracle because when i got to work, I literally could not keep my eyes open. I know this is a figure of speech but it actually happened to me. I could only open them for a couple seconds at a time cause they hurt so bad. After a ginormous double shot mocha I am still staring blankly with my mouth hanging open and dropping a lot of stuff. I don't think I have checked out a single movie so far without dropping at least one thing. Oh, I cannot wait for this day to be over. The good news is, I actually feel prepared for my lit final. It came at a high cost, but if I'm lucky I might pull off the A that I am aiming for. If I can stay awake a few more hours, that is.

21+ shows are quite possibly the dumbest thing ever. I want to die. I need a fake ID so badly. Who can hook me up?

It's amazing that after all these years, 20 to be exact, of hearing the very same songs every December, I am still often blown away by the depth and and beauty of certain Christmas carols. There is more to them than just warm fuzzies and a manger scene, and I don't think people usually stop to think about the radical theological claims being made, or the dark imagery, or even just the creepy tunes that many of them have. Also, isn't it incredible how old they are? Some of these songs that we are still singing today are hundreds of years old, a lot of them have been translated form French and German and Latin and other stuff. Like, how cool is that? Can we just take a moment and consider what that says about Christianity, or rather, the power of music to hold an incredibly large bunch of people together, if only ever so slightly? Doesn't the very idea of some 16th century german peasant singing Silent Night (that is, Stille Nacht) give you an incredible feeling of hope? Well, it does for me. Thus, in my attempt to share some of my appreciation for traditional Christmas carols with my own small corner of the world, I have decided to start posting the lyrics of certain songs that strike my fancy here. Ahem:

[(the best)parts of] What Child is This?
(creepy tune courtesy of Greensleeves)

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christian fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby,
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

dang homie, what up?

Ask me how bad today sucks. Go ahead, I'll wait.

...

How bad does today suck?! really bad! Had to turn in my paper at 7AM in warren, had a final at 8, another final at 11:30, been at work since 3. This would all be fine and good if it weren't for the fact that my most important final is tomorrow and I was lucky enough to score another 5 hour shift tomorrow morning starting at 9. I was hoping to get some studying done here, but alas, it seems that UCSD is full to the brim of horrendous procrastinators who have decided to watch the films they need for their papers on the very last night possible. Good job guys, way to go, keep up the good work. Hooraaaaay coffee.

8 page lit paper on nathaniel hawthorne's views on women: check

studying for linguistics: check

frozen burrito: check

tater tots: check

coffee: check

animal crackers: check

myspace: check

german: heh...

gotta go!

Oh, Tannenbaum...

I found this little thingy on my starbucks cup tongiht and I thought it was pretty cute:

Classic hats and corncob pipes embellish frosty makeovers, leaving us some temporary but well-accessorized lawn buddies.

I have not been to starbucks forever because they don't have one on my campus. But I kind of miss it a little. They do a really good job of making you feel warm and cozy, with the Christmas decorations and the music and the smells. I was actually pretty disappointed when my drink was done, I wanted to stay and look at the mugs.

There is something about finals week that makes me wanna decorate the shit out of my walls with tape. Last night, Anu and I, I mean Santa, decked the halls. It's glorious. See for yourself.



...Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

I am about to do one of those myspace bulletin surveys as a reward for having written 2 pages of my lit paper tonight. I know, right? Outside the window people are having fun. Lesigh.

Edit: turns out those people were actually my friends. Wow. Pathetic.

Wow, that just happened.

So today in german we were talking about communication and she asked if any of us keeps a blog, so I said that yes, I do. And apparently I am the only one in the class who does, which was odd, but whatever. So there's this kid in the the corner and he's your typical socially-awkward-doesn't-speak-often-but-when-he-does-it's-always-something-weird types. And he's shaking his head in agony over there like he's really trying to hold back from saying something, and obviously he wants the teacher to call on him. So she humors him, and after a few seconds of acting like he doesn't want to say it, he's like "ok, I'm just gonna have to say this in english: I think all people who keep blogs are pretentious." A direct attack! I was floored, not by the fact that he thought it, because well, I mean I guess it's true, but more by the fact that he had the nerve to say it right in front of me. You can imagine the discomfort that took place during the next minute or so as he explained that all bloggers "think they know everything" and "whine about everything." It was mostly nervous laughter all around, while the teacher tried her best to smooth over the situation. After class I went up and asked her how to say "awkward" in german. It seems that i will be needing that word a lot next quarter.

abla

I am having a really shitty day. I have a really bad headache. I have 3 more hours of work. This sucks really bad. Sometimes I feel like me and my body are enemies. It's out to get me, I'm telling you. Today I slept through both my german class and the time when I was supposed to meet with the literature advising office and get my study abroad thing signed. Now I have to get up early tomorrow and walk over to warren to get it done (hopefully) and then walk back to muir for my 10:00 class. Thus is my punishment for oversleeping. Except I don't think i should be punished. I am doing my best, I really am. It's week 10 and I have more important things to do than sleep. But you can't expect your body to understand these things. Soooo selfish. I suppose I will fill the rest of my time at work studying so that I will feel better about myself. But man, does my head hurt.

I can't wait to go to London. I hope I get in to King's. It will be marvelous.

help!

possible scenarios regarding berkeley:

1. I find someone to drive with, my parents let me take the car, everything is fine and good and I have a great time.

2. I am not allowed to take the car and am forced to fly up for 50 bucks. I am not willing to pay a hundred dollars to fly back down so close to christmas and thus would rely on sarah finding us a ride home with somone from berkeley. Risky. Don't really want this to happen.

3. scenario 2 falls through, or, my parents say I must chose between berkeley and portland. in either case the berkeley trip would not happen and that would be incredibly inconvenient for sarah and disappointing for myself and everyone is upset and angry and everything sucks.

Why won't they just make things easy on me? sibdfKDSGJNSDKGJNFGKN.

anyway, here is how you can help: say that you'll drive with me and that you don't mind being left alone for at least one night while sarah and I go see joanna newsom, or else you are willing to pay to go see her with us, and are planning on either spending time with other people up there who you know or spending time with sarah, who you do not know. and also say that you will split the gas money cause there's no way in hell I can afford it all and also christmas presents.

stress!

I remember
learning how to dive
deep end board
I was high
I remember learning how to dive
I just had to go
to the end of the board
and distract myself
and go weeeee
i just had to jump
you just have to jump
and touch the water
with the ends of your fingers

I have devised a new writing style and it's called writing down everything in a random order and not caring whether anyone or myself ever reads it and not caring whether or not it's good. I wonder if anyone can teach me how to write like the people I look up to do. I doubt it. But I am going to find out. I wonder what it's like to get a masters in creative writing. Is it just a means of procrastination? probably. I love to procrastinate. I think I'm gonna do it! It was cold today and I know I've been wanting that for a while but sheesh, I wasn't expecting it and I was wearing sandals and my feet were cold and my hands even got a little numb cause i was sitting outside writing in my notebook between class but yeah anyway, I seriously can't stop listening to that song about diving, like I think I listened to it at least 10 times today and I didn't even leave the apartment till 2. That was only 6 hours ago. I feel dumb because the whole england application process is turning out to be way easier than I expected and I have been whining about it for what seems likea century. I am worried that Kings wont accept me though because my major is not "english" but rather "literature and writing" and they dont have that major and they wont understand cause theyre mean british people. But if they dont want me that is definitely a sign that I shouldnt go there haha cause I mean, that would suck to take classes I dont even wanna take for no reason. I am boring myself. I am bored of my music and I need more. The food at summit sucks a hard nut so you have to go when you are really hungry so that you'll eat anything. I found my keys. but i didnt even tell you I hadlost them, so that was pointless just now. This new writing style actually kind of sucks, I guess thats why I wasnt doing it before, I guess I do care whether or not my writing is good. Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

I remember learning how to dive

The problem with most music reviews is that they never seem to be truly affected by a song. These people are supposed to love music more than the resat of us, right? Isn't that why they devote their lives to listening to it? But I think people in the music scene often lose track of the music itself in their analysis of it. They don't let themselves feel anything about, or if they do, they don't talk about that at all in their reviews, or if they do, they don't do a good job of it. What I'm trying to get at is you would never see a review like the one I am about to give on pitchfrok media:


Animal Collective- Prospect Hummer (EP)

track one: bullshit
track two: pretty good once it finally gets to the wawawawawa part.
track three: noisenoisenoiseyawnnoise
track four: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!dsfkjbvqf!!!!!Iuwebfk1111!!!!!!1 This song makes me want to die, but in a good way. It makes me feel like I'm rididng a bike on a sunny day or holding a tea party with my dolls, or, maybe, learning how to dive?! no seriously though, wow.



as you can see, I am way better at liking music than most people. Aren't I amazing? Please love me.

I am so hungry! I always am in the middle of the night, and it's a real pain in the ass. Also, Anu is not here and I'm lonely. I don't know how you people with single rooms do it. It's fine at home, but for some reason I can't handle it at school. Ich brauche meine mitbewohnerin! einstattsgrüppen! I should go to bed now. Big week ahead.

back to school to prove to my father I'm not a fool

santee: how was the drive?

me: good. whitfield recited poetry, we played monopoly, and had a couple martinis. oh, and carne asada fries.

santee: ...on the drive?

me: yeah

santee: tight. which poems did he read?







douche.




in other news:
I'm worried
I'm always in love

meh

Finally got some new earphones today. The quality seems to be pretty good, but more importnatly, it's so nice to hear both halves of any given song again; I had almost forgotten what a harmony is like.

Saw "The Fountain" tonight. My overall reaction was mehhhh. But I dunno, it was alright. Feling kind of the same way about this Thanksgiving weekend. Will reserve judgement though.

movie review: Waiting

The movie is about people who work in a restaraunt. It is full of very clever observations about what it is like to work in a restaraunt and the various kinds of relationships and dynamics that exist in such a setting. It's the kind of movie where you slap your knee and say "It's so true!." I know this because, like most people, I have had the amazing good fortune to have worked in a restaraunt at some point in my life. It was only for a couple of months, but that was enough for me. And basically my overall reaction to the entire experience was something along the lines of "So this is what the real world is like. Thank goodness I don't actually have to live in it." And that has basically been my opinion on the matter ever since-- there are people out there to whom waiting tables is their life. Tips and undercooked steakes and soda spills and rude customers are real problems to them, because that is how they supposrt their families and pay for school and get through the day and that is their life. I thought to myself that theirs were the real problems, and my problems were somehow more frivolous and selfish in comparisson. My papers and finals and beer pong were a product of my sheltered, priveleged existance. Basically I saw myself as in the bubble, while the whole rest of the world was outside it. But as I watched the movie Waiting, it started to occur to me that maybe everyone has their own bubble. Maybe the world is really more like a bunch of bubbles all squished together, and it is rare that anyone peer through their plastic walls into the others. We college students give ourselves a hard time about it, and we should, but what we shouldn't do it assume that we are the only ones guilty of this sin. Because I think that in the end, a civil war, a ten percent tip, and a midterm all amount to about the same. This may or may not be true.

sneaky sneaky

Yesterday I read the 1850s novella version of that riddle where the kid and his dad get in a car accident and the surgeon says I can't operate this is my son and you're like well gosh i dunno maybe it's his stepdad or something and then later you find out that the kid's mom is the surgeon and are accused in front of the whole dinner table of being a sexist because that possibility simply did not occur to you. It was called Benito Cereno and it's by the same guy who wrote Moby Dick. Basically there's this ship where there has been a slave revolt and the black people are now in charge, but they are pretending like the spanish guys are still in charge, because this american captain has boarded the ship. They go through a lot of elaborate stuff to keep him believing this until the moment is right, and it's all quite brilliant, really. The whole time he's on the ship he knows that something is off and the whole thing is pretty much freaking him out, but he can't for the life of him solve the mystery. Most of the time he is either suspecting the spanish captain of being a pirate or telling himself to not be so silly. Never once does it occur to him, never does it so much as cross his mind, that these silly black people could be running the show. And, as the reader, you are for the most part carried along in this tricky tide of racism and prejudice, and it doesn't occur to you till almost the very end, or at least it didn't for me, that oooooooooh the slaaaaaves are controling the white peoplllllleeeeee. And at the end when the american captain has his moment of epiphany and your shamefully recently concieved suspicions are confirmed and the epic battles ensues, you're left there like damn you, guy who also wrote moby dick, damn you, I am a racist.

Or maybe I just don't read enough mysteries?

Don't take this the wrong way, but

You know that there's something wrong with our educational system when one actually has to go out of one's way to do badly in a class. Who are these people, and why are they so lazy?

falalalala, lalalala

thanks to yasha, we have christmas lights! on our balcony! hoorah!

can't wait for thanksgiving and seeing everyone and stuffing and gravy and decorating the house for christmas!

but first, two midterms and a german essay.

Last night I french braided my hair for the first time ever. I was sitting there on the couch, talking to my friends, and I just did it. It looked like shit basically, but I did it. And then I felt really bad because all my life I've been operating under the assumption that I am not capable of french-braiding. As if it were some special gift granted to only a few lucky girls. It's like this:

"Can you french braid?"
"No, but so and so can, ask her"
"My mom always does it for me, I can't do it"
"I can only do it on myself."
"I wish I knew how"
"Can you french braid?"

When really all you have to do is try. And I think that a lot fo things in life are similar. We assume that just because we haven't been doing them our whole lives, we can't begin to do them now. We act as if, at nineteen, we are so set in our ways that it's hopeless to try new things. It's too late to learn to play an instrument, it's too late to change my major, it's too late to make new friends, too late to learn to surf,too late to start excercising, too late to start going to church, too late, too late, too late. But really we're only nineteen, and all we have to do is try.

update

exploring san diego: FAILURE

in'n'out: DELICIOUS

5 episodes of sex and the city: DEPRESSING

sleeping till 3: " "

only seeing two hours of daylight: " "

pizza: [probably will be] DELICIOUS

more sex and the city: [probably will be even more] DEPRESSING

my state of mind this past week: TOTALLY FUCKED UP

I am having one of those days (weeks?) I sometimes have in which I think that everyone I know has a way cooler, or funner, or just generally better, life than I do. Last night three of my roommates went out to various parties. I got off work at 9, watched TV, did minimal homework, and mostly just sat around with yasha mourning over the caliber of guys we come into contact with on a daily basis as opposed to that of Sufjan Stevens. Needless to say we got really depressed about that, and such was the state of things when anu and sarah got home from their respective parties at around 2:30 AM. I suppose this is not the sort of venue to be revealing other's potential secrets, but suffice it to say that the two of them, and especially sarah, had evenings that were much more exciting than, say, german pronoun endings and [half of] greys anatomy. And do you know what Sarah is doing now?! She's ona flight to LONDON. lerijhertgO48IYT48TYsduhrfughufdshgjkfdgwoeisme.

I went on my lunchbreak just now (finally) and do you know what's going on outside the library? A BEER GARDEN. It's 4 PM, I'm listening to death cab for cutie, and outside there are people getting drunk.

But really this is all very silly, because when I think about my life and how I wish it were, scenes of drunken dancing and beer pong are not what come to mind, no, not at all. What I really want to be doing with myself is maybe driving across country or watching a folk duo perform in a small smoky cafe. More specifically, I would like to explore san diego tonight. But my friends are tired form their busy and interesting weeks, and they rather stay in and watch sex and the city. damn! shot down!

Wow, I am pathetic. I predict that this blog will be deleted within the hour.

My job is easy.

I have realized lately that I often sort of sleepwalk my way through life. I wonder how things would be different for me if I could just get to bed at a decent hour? Better? Worse? It doesn't really matter and I will probably never know anyway, because sleeping at night is so freaking harrrrrrd.

Oh, also, I sleepwalk for real. Like, you know, in my sleep. And talk too, a lot. So I suppose you could say I am rarely fully awake or asleep. INteresting.

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I will try, I will try, I will try.

Music is distracting

me from the rest of my life.

your mother said it's very expensive

I got my Songs For Christmas box set thingy in the mail finally. I have already heard the music, so no big surprise there, but I did spend a good hour or so reading through all the stuff that comes with it. It is all very incredible and great. I am in general a bigger fan of Christmas than Sufjan and this Rick Moody character, due to the fact that my family is dissapointingly functional. However, what they say is so true true true. So, for those of you who don't celebrate Christmas (and I have a relatively large number of friends who do not) or only celebrate the santa half, or wonder why I make such a big deal about it in general, what you should do is read those essays. If you care that much. Which you probably don't. But I do, and so thanks Sufjan and friends for this lovely little paradox of magic and misery wrapped up in metalic green paper and tied with a bow!

Also, I was dissapointed to find that some of my favorite x-mas tunes such as "Once in Royal David's City" and "Bring a Torch, Jeanetter, Isabella," are sung not by Sufjan but by Vito Aiuto of "Vito's Ordination Song"!!!! That makes me feel really weird. But hey, Vito, you're cool! I like your voice. I heard also that you are a pastor, and that is cool too. Keep up the good work.

Also, I have replaced my Bob Dylan-Modern Times poster with my new santa sufjan poster. This means a lot more to me than I would care to explain now, but chances are if you're reading this we have already talked about it. Screw Bob Dylan and the sixties and their ideology! Hooray Sufjan!

Get through this life without killing anyone,
and consider yourself golden.




Does anyone feel like making a music video?

Wow, I am having a really bad day.

crisiscrisiscrisis!!!!!!!!!!

early-life crisis!

many crises!

what?

"the point in a play or story when a crucial conflict takes place, determining the outcome of the plot."

yes, I think so.

flame-proof writ

I wasn't messing around about that whole not enough sleep thing.

Just took a four hour nap. From 5:30 PM till 9:30 PM. Worst time ever to take a nap. I feel like shit. Gotta read a lot of stuff now. Don't really care to.

Joanna Newsom makes me really sad about my talents and also myself as a person. Her lyrics are really really good. It's horrible. The worst part about them is that they are sometimes about her own insecurities and shortcomings as an artist, and yet the very lyrics where she expresses these doubts are some of the most beautiful words I have heard in my entire life. The perfect example is as follows:

...And all at once it came to me,
and i wrote and hunched till four thirty
But that vestal light, it burns out with the night
in spite of all the time that we spent on it
on one bedraggled ghost of a sonnet
While outside, the wild boars root
without bending a bough underfoot
O it breaks my heart; I don't know how they do it
And as for my inflammatory writ?
Well, I wrote it and I was not inflamed one bit.
Advice from the master derailed that disaster
he said "Hand that pen over to me, poetaster!"
While across the great plains, keening lovely & awful,
ululate the last Great American Novels
An unlawful lot, left to stutter and freeze, floodlit
But at least they didn't run, to their undying credit.


I tried to only put a small part but I felt the need put the whole second half of the song. Damn you Joanna, damn you! At least I have learned one thing from this: make up more words! It's so fun.

I was a hero early in the morning but I aint no hero at night.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough sleep to face the day. Today is one of those days. Sarah made me a CD of "songs to cry to" and I listened to it on the way back from dropping her off and at the airport. I am not good at crying, but it made me feel all melancholy and peaceful and I am trying to motivate myself to go to class by telling myself that today, if nothing else, I will learn something. And that is good.

closing time

Sarah is here and I am glad about that. Maybe the good thing about missing people is the part where you get to run up to them at an airport and give them a huge hug movie-style. No, I have considered it and decided that there is actually no good part about missing people. But if there had to be one, I suppose that would be it.

I am at work and it is a holiday and thus hardly anyone has come in to watch videos (thank goodness, I would have gotten really depressed if they had). Thus I have finished all my homework for the weekend and can now devote myself completely to mexican food, king's cup, philosophical conversations, music, and friendship for the next 60 hours or so.

I kind of want to go to Coachella again this year. Then again, I kind of want to do a lot of things that I can't afford.


p.s. I forgot to mention that on austin city limits the other day, iron and wine played a sing with calexico! That was a nice surprise. Dude, does that fool like EVER tour? Throw us a freakin bone man.

My new list of possible schools, based on academic reputation as well as whether they are in the middle of a really big city:
Kings College, London
Edinburgh
Leeds
Manchester

good schools which are not in the middle of big cities:
York
Durham
Warwick
Royal Holloway, London
Bristol
Birmingham

school in the middle of a big city but not good:
Queen Mary, London



oh dear, I don't know what to do.

Some thoughts on the recent election, which are most definitely not mine, but belong rather to our good friend Henry David Thoreau.

(normally I would have reworded this and pretended like I had thought of it all on my own, but beside the obvious fact that it would have been immoral and also quite pathetic to do so, I really don't have the time and energy for it right now)

"...All voting is a sort of gaming, like checkers or backgammon, with a slight moral tinge to it, a playing with right and wrong, with moral questions, and betting naturally accompanies it. The character of the voters is not staked. I cast my vote, perchance, as I think right; but I am not vitally concerned that that right should prevail. I am willing to leave it to the majority. Its obligation, therefore, never exceeds that of expediency. Even voting for the right is doing nothing for it. It is only expressing to men feebly your desire that it should prevail. A wise man will not leave the right to the mercy of chance, nor wish it to prevail through the power of the majority. There is but little virtue in the action of masses of men..."
(from "Resistance to Civil Government," aka "Civil Disobedience")

True, true. But I am willing to bet that even Ghandi himself skimmed Civil Disobedience.

Good News:

I was on time to German this morning! I seriously feel really good about that. And I finished all my homework last night so all I have to do now is take a shower and make myself look pesentable, which is a rarity these days, really, it is. And tomorrow Sarah is coming!! ucsd will be whole again. And hopefully I will go to see either Bunky or just Rafter for only 5 bucks at the che this weekend. I am pretty much really stoked for life.

edit: also, my work schedule got changed, and now I work monday afternoons instead of tuesday mornings. yippieyahoohooray for sleeping in! and being punctual!

reasons why a roadtrip to portland over winter break would be awesome:

1. gas prices are relatively cheap right now.
2. I have connections in both the bay area and oregon
3. I have never been on a roadtrip with my friends
4. I don't think I have ever been to portland
5. I hear it's pretty cool
6. There would be lots of trees along the way, including but not limited to, redwoods
7. we could listen to sooooo much music.

let's do it!

True story. Minus the innevitable grammatical errors, of course.

German Professor: (hands back essay) Amanda ist perfekt!

me: uhhh danke?

her: Wie lange haben sie Deutsch studiert?

me: nur ein Jahre...

her: (actually seems suprised) Wirklich? Kennen Sie eine andere Sprache?

me: nein, nur Englisch.

her: ah, sie sind ein sprachegenius!

me: hehehhh... danke....(awkwarrrrrrd)


Also, die Moral der Geschichte ist:
ICH LIEBE MEINE DEUTSCHE KLASSE SEHHHHHHR VIEL.

soooo much drama and I'm soooo so so so so so so so sososososo over it.

Can the boy tell time?

Oh Lord, no.

Today was a very momentous day for me. I voted for the first tme ever. It was hard. I chickened out and left a lot of things blank, afraid that I would mess things up even more than they are already. I figure the state doesn't need my help on that. Better luck next year.

I also turned in my form to declare my major. I put down writing. So at least one thing I did today was brave.

I'm not one to admit
I'm not one to fight
maybe I was wrong
or maybe I was right
like when I went to school
drinking coffee at night
and I did what I did
now I do what I like

I can't wait till that is true about me.

I totally had the idea to write this all on my own.

This is a blog about how awesome Chris Santee is.

First of all, he's got this blue thermal shirt slash sweaterish thing, and like, wow, he looks so snazzy in it. The bad news is that he won't share the joy by letting me hug it, I mean him, but I guess I shouldn't have said that because this supposed to be about how he's awesome. Ok so also, he actually seems to like driving people around sometimes which is good because I definitely do not. He is very obedient and will even leave his own house so that you can talk behind his back. Let's not even get into his middle name cause wow, it rocks. And sometimes he says really really funny things. I cannot think of any right now but seriouly they are really funny. Also sometimes he is a big huge jerk, and that is awesome too in it's own way, depending on how you look at it.

To be continued.

There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.

It's Monday. I don't know who to vote for tomorrow, I miss my friends, I have 50 pages of Thoreau to read, and I think I'm in love with Margot.

new paragraph.

So after the movie tonight I said something Josh didn't like and so he pulled the classic "Ok fine you can walk home then!" thing. So I imediately veered off in the direction of my home (a good five miles away, at least) as opposed to that of his car. I walked all the way across to the far corner of the parking lot without once looking back, and even made it to the intersection and pushed the crosswalk button. At this point I figured it would be safe to hazard a glance and looked behind me to find that the only people nearby were two shady characters parked in their car and observing me curiously. I had no other choice at this point than to cross the street. So I did, figuring that by the time I reached the other side, they would be waiting there for me or at least on their way. I cross. I wait. Nobody. I am on a street corner next to a freeway in Ontario. I am next to a gas station full of young men playing loud music. It is foggy, it is cold. Nobody is coming for me. So, I decide to walk back a ways and see what my caring friends are up to. I get close enough to spot them. They are standing casually next to the cars, seeming to be carrying on a perfectly normal conversation. I check my phone, and see that I have a missed call and a voicemail from Josh. Oh good, they must be worried about me. I listen to the voicemail. It says something to the effect of, "we are going to denny's meet us there in 15 minutes." Oh, very funny Josh. Very very funny. I am now determined to wait it out. I sneak along a little further and then turn another corner and sit on a low wall, watching, waiting for any sign of concern or worry. None whatsoever. I sit like this for a good five minutes, contantly looking over my shoulder for purse theifs and/or rapists and/or murderers. I take out my keys and hold them in my right hand just in case. I almost wish something horrible would happen to me, just to teach these bastards a lesson. After an eternity I see Santee's car pull away and drive off in the direction that I had first walked. Finally, I thought, they will begin to panic as soon as they realize I am nowhere to be found. Sure enough, a minute later my phone rings. it's Josh. he asks me what I'm doing. I answer, "Oh not much, just waiting to see how long my friends will let me wander in the cold dark night before they begin to worry about me." He laughs. He refuses to feel any remorse whatsoever. He asks me wher I am. I am tired of this, so I tell him. They drive back. I hide behind a tree for a second and that ends up being pretty fun, but basically I just give in and got in the car. Like I said, no remorse. No concern for my wellbeing whatsoever.

The moral of the story is that my friends don't care about me, and that makes me sad.

good times.

Thieving.

I stole Josh's idea. The one where he listens to a song on repeat and then draws a picture to go with it. Only I wrote pictures instead. Not exactly the highest quality stuff, but it's good practice.

oh how the rain
sounds as loud as a lover's words
and now and again
she's afraid when the sun returns

Dear Splenda,

You don't really taste that much like real sugar. All you do is sit there in your snazzy yellow packet judging me. Frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I may not have zero calories, but at least I don't suck!

sincerely,
Mandy

ich schreibe auf deutsch

Today my german teacher asked me if I was a writing major. I said maybe. She said it shows in my essays, even though they are in German and full of grammatical errors. That pretty much made my day. I can't wait till she reads the one I just turned in about going to see Sufjan Stevens.

I write about Sufjan Stevens waaaaaaay too much in this blog. If he is ever bored one day and googles his name and this comes up, I will be severely ashamed of myself. Sufjan, if you are reading this, I'm sorry, I really am.

But it's too late to turn back now, so I supose I may as well share my thoughts on volume 5 of songs for christmas: I don't really know how I feel about the original songs, and this volume has the highest ratio of them. They are good of course, but kind of rough-draft sounding, like the Avalanche of christmas songs. Also, they don't seem to capture the spirit of Christmas as much as, say, "We're Going to the Country" or "Put the Lights on the Tree." Also he is actually pretty explicit in some of them about like, some relationship that seems to have gone wrong around Christmas time? And this makes me sad because I don't like to think of Sufjan having girlfriends. But it doesn't really matter about those songs, because OH MY GOD, the simple piano solos in between each one are the most beautiful and magnificent things I have heard in a long time, and they make me remember childhood scenes and feelings that I haven't remembered or felt for years. As for his version of "Holy Holy Holy"....I honestly have no words. When I heard it yesterday for the first time I could do nothing but literally curl up in a ball under my blanket and smile to myself while picturing children's christmas pageants and mashed potatos. Sufjan, are you still reading? If so, keep in mind that if you ever run out of ideas for original songs, you could probably make a very good living just recording hymns in your beautiful voice for suckers like me to shed a tear or two over.

Coon Hounds

I just realized there is some structural ambiguity on the previous post and that is SO EXCITING. I don't know if I am being sarcastic or not right now. You decide. It's ambiguous!

Holy^3

Today I pretty much spent the entire day waiting to get home and listen to songs for Chritmas volumes 4 and 5 (Which I did just now, and all I can say is, wow). Also, it was cold today. So you all know what's been on my mind. But in case you still have your doubts, I will provide proof:



(This one is made special for Amy)






A total of two and a half hours sitting in literature class and a half hour break in the middle for coffee shop sitting will do that to you.

In other news, I may have failed my physics midterm.

In other news, it's Halloween and I really couldn't care less.

In other news, isn't Spanish a beautiful language?

I think about how we could run away
now that it's Christmas time
we could travel in a one horse open sleigh
now that it's Christmas time

yes please!

P.S. I think I know what classes I am taking next quarter and they are:

German
Writing non-fiction (copy/paste blogs?)
Literature of the British Isles
Jane Austen


Why did I ever doubt whether I wanted to be a lit major? I am so excited. I would be scared about all the reading but I have already read everythign by Jane Austen.

Blog Review: Sidebar

Has anyone else been reading the new "sidebar" feature on asthmatickitty.com lately? It's great! It's basically just a joint blog of everyone involved in the company, where people post album reviews, tour diaries, sports stuff, and other such nonsense from all over the country. I really like asthmatic kitty cause you get the impression that it's just a group of friends and friends of friends and acquaintances, all helping each other out towards the common goal of making some decent music. It's kind of a testament to what a small group of friends can do if they just try to make something of their talents. Also I like how they let us into their circle and make us feel like we are a part of something cozy and nice. The sidebar is a perfect example of this. We get to hear about how the Castanets had a shitty show in manchester, or what the best foods in cincinati are, or whether the new exibit in san fran is cool or not. Even though the reader may not be able to relate in any way to any of the thngs being written about, it still gives you a little glimpse into life and that is fun. That's kind of the point of blogs, isn't it? But the cool thing about this one is you get to see so many different lives and experiences converging in one place. Anyway if you haven't checked it out you really should, and make sure and take a moment to appreciate the inclusion of "An Inconvenient Truth" in Sufjan Stevens's list of his favorite horror films.


Oh yeah and also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG the new songs for christmas are up online and I am not computer savy and dont know how to save them to my computer but I am soososososososososos excited nonetheless and I am preordering the actual album as soon as I am done writing this and I can't freaking wait to get it and dear Santa please pleaseplease bring me a banjo I promise I will learn to play it with the help of Sufjan's christmas song book and I will be rocking out to bring a torch jeanette isabella in no time i swear!!!!!!!!!

Midterm tomorrow. Woops!

I will not eat them, Sam I Am!

Hmm, so the main reason I am posting this blog is because I just realized you could upload photos through blogger without having to go through photobucket and that's like sooooo exciting. I feel really dumb for not realizing this when I made that really long picture post the other day. Anyway this is one of my favorites from Halloween weekend, me and charlene laughing at jake's crotch. It looked really funny, trust me, you had to be there. The parties we went to were kind of lame, like all parties are, but I got to talk to a few random guys and so that was fun. I am getting really good at talking to strangers. I guess I may have picked this up from Sarah last year, cause that's basically her specialty, or maybe I am just more self confident than I used to be. But really, meeting people is fun. And like Anu said, sometimes it's nice to just have a short interaction and never see them again, because that way you dont have a chance to realize that they're not as cool as they seem. Meeting people randomly and having short little conversations with them makes you feel like humanity is pretty ok, whereas long term relationships make you kind of depressed and disappointed a lot of the time. I suppose this came out more depressing than I wanted it to, but please don't take it that way. I meant it to be uplifting. I guess that says something about my character. This is getting awkward...

More than anything I would like to take a roadtrip with my friends. The longer the better. The more problems along the way the better. The more boring the better. It has always struck me as very strange how geographically large this country is. It disturbs me slightly that we are all supposed to work together and make decisions about each other and live with the consequences of decisions we make as a group, and yet we have never even met each other. We have never even seen where everybody lives. We have never even been to Washington DC, and yet we send people there every year to do our bidding and make decisions that will effect our lives. Am I the only one that finds this strange? Most of all I just want to see the world, I want to watch the countryside go by and watch people going about their business and listen to their accents and buy their gasoline and be on my way. And I want to do it all with some good music and some good friends. And yet why do I always get the impression that this is far too much to ask?

Come tomorrow, I'll be on my way back home.

So I went on allmusic just now, because I am bored in class and had to do something. I was typing in the name of some band in the search box when something caught my eye. Today's album of the day is "Something to Write Home About" by the Get Up Kids! Not only that, but the guy who reviewed it back in the day gave it four stars! I found this very surprising because I was under the impression that the get up kids were conisdered by music's elite to be kind of a joke. But allmusic's got it right, I say. How can anyone resist? It may not be the most mature and inspiring music, but for a 14 year old who hates their life, that's some solid stuff. The reviewer guy put it pretty well, I think, when he said, "Imagine if the kids that got made fun of on the back of the bus ended up being the coolest ones in the school. Not through any kind of terrorist revenge fantasy or post-apocalyptic last-people-alive-on-Earth scenario, but what if they were actually the most interesting, most sincere, most talented kids around?" The Get Up Kids in a sense told us that it's ok to be a sensitive, over-analytical nerd. Thus there was always something incredibly appealing about them, despite the harsh vocals and the absurd sounding keyboard. I personally memorized every word of that album during my freshman year of high school, and I think it made me feel better about things on some level. So thank you, allmusic, for not pretending like people don't like the get up kids (cause we all know that deep down we do), and for recognizing an album that, I think, is really quite good despite itself.

Eine gute Idee.

Dude. Tomorrow, my geRman class is meeting in the dining hall! This is possible because there are only 12 of us in the class. We basically just get to eat bagels and talk in german for an hour. Tight! I love life. Except for the parts like now, when I am supposed to be doing homework. Those suck.

The laze

This has been a very unproductive week for me as far as homework goes. Yesterday I didn't even open my books. Instead I shopped, shopped some more, watched Lost, and then worked on this stupid cross-stitch thing that I bought on a whim at Michaels. Well, I had to do my reading at some point, so I ditched physics this morning and sat at a cafe all day reading short stories by Poe. It was quite lovely, really. I am now at work where I have nothing to do but homework. Am I doing it? No, I am writing this blog, playing solitaire, and listening to christmas music on my ipod. And yet somehow I don't feel lazy or guilty. More just...fine.

My boss got some really silly looking earrings. I am kind of embarassed for him.

Trick or Treat

So Yasha got us on the guest list for Sigma Chi this weekend, and for those of you who don't attend UCSD, this means we are cool kids! I feel sort of pathetically happy about that, despite the fact that I kind of hate halloween and frat parties in general. But I am also kind of sad because now I am in need of an at least slightly slutty costume. I am thinking maybe slutty bird, or slutty Mrs. Claus. My friends have already taken slutty indian, slutty princess Jasmine, and slutty Barbie. What I really want to be is margo tenenbaum but there are two problems with that idea: 1) where would i find the dress?! and 2) nobody would get it, the philistines! Anyway, anyone have ideas?

I am a writer, writer of fictions.

Right now what I would like is a hug. But not from a girl, because of the boob-on-boob action. Awkward.

I can't wait to England because for the first time in my life, I will have an accent. And people will laugh at me for saying weird things like dude, tight, sweet, like woah, fool, and shyeah!

I need to catch up on normal things such as going to the ATM, buying groceries, and cleaning my fish bowl. I think that I will feel more like a human being then.

Oh yeah and I think I passed my linguistics midterm, however I am thinking about it and my paper was possibly crap. Go team.

Also: what are your thought on me being a writing major as opposed to literature?

Ding dong merrily on high!

Yesterday my brother told me that he listened to the album "Illinois" by Sufjan Stevens pretty much every day for nine months straight. I could instantly relate to that, and told him so. Only for me, it's "Songs for Christmas" volumes 1-3. I am now on my sixth month of religious, near daily listening, but there is no danger of me getting bored within the next 3, because soon I will have TWO MORE VOUMES of pure joy and gladness at my disposal. Combined with Vince Guaraldi's trusty old "Charlie Brown Christmas" masterpiece which I have not yet busted out this fall, this should get me through Christmas day at the very least, and has the potential, I think, of carrying me all the way through 2007. I can't wait till November 24th! Light up the yule log! Deck the halls! Get out your nativity scenes with moveable parts! Christmas is coming!

uuuuugh

The Bob Dylan show SUCKED. I hated it. It was really really not good.

I was prepared for half, or two thirds, or three fourths, or even seven eights, of the set to be newer songs which I didn't know. But I was not prepared for this. I recognized a total of two songs: an even more boring (I never thought this possible, but it's true) version of maggie's farm, and a HORRENDOUS rendition of like a rolling stone. It's called a melody, dude. People enjoy them. I felt like one of those poor little sixties kids when he went electirc, except at least then he didn't suck yet! I don't know why he feels the need to butcher his own songs, it really blows my mind.

Anyway, the rest of the set was totally and completely foreign to me, and also very boring, and I definitely spent the entire first hour or so just trying to keep from dozing off. not to mention that he didn't say a WORD to the crowd the entire. time. We all paid good money to come see him, the least he could give us is a "Thank you," or a "Hi, I'm Bob Dylan," or a corny "How are you doing tonight, San Diego?" Like seriously, what a jerk! He couldn't have made it any more clear that he didn't give a shit about his fans or what they wanted to hear.

I realize that this is my own fault, that I should have known better than to pay all that money to see a big name who's recent music intrests me not at all. I also realize that people can play whatever they want at their shows and it's not really my place to judge what they choose. But honestly, is it asking too much for just ONE decent hit from his earlier days? I'm not even asking for accoustic folk songs, I would have settled for something from Blonde on Blonde or even Blood on the Tracks. THROW ME A FREAKIN BONE.

I am so ridiculously disappinted. Kill me now. Time to finish my lit paper.

If there is one thing that puts me in a terrible mood, it's doing homework on a Friday night. Saturday night, I can do. Friday night is just wrong. I am so burnt out and right now I just want it all to be over, although you wouldn't know it by the way I keep procrastinating on this paper.

Meow mix, meow mix, please deliver!

Do you ever feel like every single person you know is about 50 times more talented than you are? I guess that's what happens when you have cool friends. Ok, I have just talked myself back into some small level of self-confidence. Phew, that was getting depressing for a few seconds there. Lately, I have to do this at least 5 times a day. Convince myself that I have someting to offer the world. Is that patheitc? Maybe, but what isn't, eh?

Anyway what I was going to say is that this weekend I am going to two concerts:

1) The Decemberists, back at the Wiltern, with my siblings and Josh. I am less excited about the band than I am about seeing the people. I can feel the warm fuzzies already. Perhaps we can even go to Denny's afterward?! (There is one right next door!) I miss Denny's with Josh. It would be so nice right now to have one of those completely carefree, albiet usually too carefree, nights where I literally have nowhere else in the world to be besides in a booth across from my friend on my 4th cup of coffee discussing where I would be if I could be anywhere right now (in case you were wondering-- on a porch, in the south, wearing white, waiting.)

2) Bob Dylan, at san diego state with charlene. It hasn't really sunk in that I am going to see him in real life, this person who is almost more like a symbol of what my life is not than a real human being in my mind. Should be inteesting to see what songs he plays, seeing as he has bajillions to choose from over half of which I have probably never heard. Also it is going to be a sitting down concert. I don't know how to feel about this one so I am going to not feel anything at all, which is the opposite approach I took to the Sufjan show. We'll see how it turns out.

but first, FIRST, I have to finish all this motherfucking homework. Why did I plan so much for this month? I am taking two classes pass/fail and yet I still feel like the sky is caving in on me. I am trying to live my life and not worry about it, but you have to understand, it's just not in my nature to let go.

chocolate milk

The writer's block has somewhat lifted, but this paper is still a more than usually painstaking process. It doesn't help that I feel like I need to prove something to myself by writing it. To sum it up, if I don't get an A, I will probably be pretty sad about life.

Today I was supposed to be watching this short film thing in german, which was on a video tape with a bunch of other short films before it. I watched one of them on my way, and it was pretty much really hilarious. It started off with this group of teenagers in some sort of arcade gathered around a driving game. The guy who's at the wheel is doing a pretty bad job, and they keep on jeering him and he's getting really frustrated and finally he crashes and burns. The friends all laugh and tease him but he clearly takes this game really seriously and he's having none of it, so he storms out of the place in a hot fit of rage. He gets in his nice red german-looking car, slams it into gear, and peals out of the parking lot, muttering to himself in fury things like, "Oh I can't drive, huh?" Soon he is on the autobahn and is speeding along, passing cars, dodging pedestrians, and basically being really bad ass and thereby proving that he can, in fact, drive like a pro. At one point he is behind a big slow truck, and as it is a one lane highway, wisely decides not to pass it. But suddenly the image of his teasing friends' faces enters his mind and before he can think twice about it, he's in the other lane. At precisely this moment another huge semi comes around the bend and our poor hero can do nothing but look horrified and slam on his breaks before being utterly demolished. Cut to the next scene, where he is lying in a hospital bed with all kind of wires and tubes and bandages. His mother and father enter the room and the mother screams and the father looks distraught and everything is very tragic and emotional. Then the camera focuses in on his heart moniter, which beeps a few times before the line goes flat forevermore, and the words "Game Over" appear on the screen.


Let this be a lesson to us all. I for one will never play Cruisin' World again.

phonology? more like phoLAMEogy.

I just changed my linguistics class to pass/fail. I feel sooooo great about that. My week just got about 10 times better.

Also I discovered today that I want to minor in film studies really bad. Reaaaallllyyy bad. If I can make it work with London, and I think I can, I am doing it!

I am still unsure about minoring in german. But at least I have some direction in my life for once.

Crap.

I think I might have forgotten how to write. I am intimidated by the idea of other literature majors. They seem very numerous, very normal, and very much like myself, and that freaks me out more than you know.

Why is it that in every beginning physics class I take (and I'm on my thrid one, so take my word for it), the professor feels the need to begin the quarter with a lesson on the scale of the universe? They go to great lengths, using pictures and metaphors and numbers to make sure we understand that we are but an electron in a grain of sand on one beach out of all the world's beaches, a speck of dust on a football field surrounded by an immense parking lot. They seem to think it very important to convey to us that we are floating in a universe that is mostly empty space, along with something called dark matter, being controlled by something called dark energy, that there are many planets similar to our own, that there are bound to be a few with life as intelligent as our own, that human history is but a sliver on the timeline of evolution which is in turn but a sliver on the timeline of the incomprehendably old universe. Why do they insists that we become aware that we are nothing but stardust, before we can begin to study the stars? The sheer irony of it all makes me, if anything, less inclined to bother with the subject. Everything just seems so hopelessly paradoxical when you think of it this way. Because more than anything I just want to believe that I am special, handpicked, somehow above or below the rest of the people I see around me. We celebrate our individuality in this country, and talk about how wonderful it is that every person is slightly different from the next. But what difference does it make if you will never know everyone in the world, and they will never know you? I may be unique, but so is everyone else. And in the end I am just one of the many who have come before me and the many who will come after, when all I ever really wanted was to be something special.

Calling all English kids!

I realize that this will be my 3rd post of the day and I'm sorry about that, but I just wanted to say this:

If anyone ever happens to come across this blog who is British and preferably a college student and maybe even goes to school, woops I mean Uni, in London, could you tell me anything about the University of London, especially King's College and Queen Mary? I am thinking seriously about studying abroad there for a year, so if you could tell me what kind of reputation they have and about the social scene there, I would be thankful. Also, is the east end really that ghetto? And will it be awkward to live there for someone like me? I have never been to London, you see.

kthanksbye.

Time cuts down all, both great and small.

Today I was at the grove cafe with Anu getting motivation to study in the form of esspresso and chocolate, and I noted that there were lots of cute boys with beards there who look like they're into like maybe either Band of Horses or Kant, and I decided that I really should be spending more time at the Grove. As we were leaving, I was telling Anu about this observation, and she looked at me kind of funny so I started to explain, "Have I not told you about my thing for beards?" or something to that effect, when suddenly around the corner comes a guy with the biggest freaking beard on campus, I'm not even kidding you, it was like Iron and Wine status, except darjer and possibly fuller. I really couldn't even be embarassed, it was just too classic. I simply laughed heartily, looked down in shame, and went on my way.

I think I am going to write my lit paper on the primer that little puritan children used back in the day. It is chock full of charming phrases such as,

F: The Idle Fool,
is whipt at school.

and

G: As runs the Glass,
Man's life doth pass."


Hurrah for living in fear!

pix like omg!

Last night I couldn't sleep, and so after having read about thirty pages of pure and unadultrated silliness for my american lit class, I decided to make a photoalbum! No, not a real photo album, an iphoto album! Don't hate. Anyway, it was called "best of summer 06," and here are the best of the best, for your viewing pleasure.

Sweet land of liberty!


It's true, it really is.


cousins looking cute!


whoah dude


the mom and the dog


mein Bruder, feeling seasick but looking badass


save a real live horse, ride one of these bad boys


I wasn't invited :(


The guys


We're siblings!


So candid it hurts a little


What?


My friends are the cutest!!!


It's cold and we're lost somewhere in the east bay, so why do we look so happy?



I'd say the best part about this picture is that if you look carefull, you can see Josh's face on his balls!


This one speaks for itself, really.


Aint no gyroscope can spin forever.



Ok that's all, now I have to take a nap to recover from last night's shenanigans. peace.

My latest revelation.

I am too much of an overachiever. All the best people are not overachievers, and I never wanted to be one in theory. But sometimes it's just so much easier, because it prevents you from having to make any real choices about your life. I need to cut the crap. Here's the truth of the matter: I love reading. I love ideas represented abstractly through literature. I love writing, and I love thinking, and I love imagining my life to be something it's not. What I'm trying to say is, I was born to study literature. Who the hell am I trying to kid, anyway?

I would so rather be there person who goes to England for a year and takes creative writing and film electives just because she can, than the person who sits around acting like a douchebag and talking about moral relativism and studying her life away. Why am I so afriad to be the person I want to be?

Now everyone, gather round and watch as Mandy changes her mind once again within the next 24 hours!

give us the wheel and give us the wine!!

Anyone who says that UCSD doesn't know how to party should have been at Hot Hot Heat last night. It was the funnest concert I have ever been to. Not best, but definitely funnest. It was almost TOO much fun!!! almost, but not quite. I haven't let myself go crazy like that since I was a kid, or maybe ever. Not to mention that moshing with the nichols boys has got to go on the list of possible best moments of my life.

Some days I really love this school. I look out my window and I see girls in sweats and sandals walking back to the dorms with their surfboards, and in between classes I see grad students and professors discussing their students over coffee, and at lunch time there are boys getting drunk and watching sports at roundtable. College!!!

In case you haven't noticed, I am in a thoroughly good mood at the moment. There is one aspect of (read: person in) my life which is not too great, but I am resisting the urge to blog about it, mostly out of pride but also a little bit out of principle.

I just heard a really good line in this death cab song which pretty much sums up my thoughts on the weekend thus far:

and all you see
is where else you could be when you're at home
when out on the street
are so many possibilities to not be alone

yeah deathcab!

love x 10^23,
Mandy

p.s. are we at war or something? because there have been loud military planes flying over NONSTOP the last couple days and it's kind of freaking me out.

poetry

Heaven hath no greater gift
than OVT after a six hour shift

also:
three otter pops a day
keep the doctor away!

lebenangst

I just went to the study abroad office and got some info and set up an appointment to talk with an advisor, and I got really scared. i don't know if I can do this.

More on that later. For now I have to go learn some stuff about the solar system, which is actually quite a bit harder than it sounds.

(later)
more:
What if nobody likes me? what if everyone wants to talk about politics with me? What if nobody wants to travel around europe with me? what if i am too homesick to enjoy it? what if i get bad grades and it ruins my GPA? what if everyone i meet likes to go clubbing, and nobody wants to go to concerts and indie films? I will surely die.

Missing people sounds easy in theory, but it's actually a pretty bad feeling, probably because you are so helpless to do anything about it, especially when a great geographical distance is involved. But these days it seems that no matter what you are doing, you miss people anyway. You can't avoid it, so you may as well be missing poeple while you're doing something cool. That is what I'll tell myself, anyway.

My stomach is making weird noises. this is not good, it's very quiet in here (library). I wish this feeling would go away. it's been there for 3 days already! gah.

I have been in a really weird mood the last two days. Also, I am really behind on schoolwork. I am kind of a mess right now, and I don't know what to do about that.

Update: I will probably not be double majoring. It's kind of an ultimatum, either europe or philosophy. Not that difficult a choice, you see.

We both like birds

The thing that makes me most sad about life is that I will never love anyone as much as I love sufjan stevens.

Butterflies in my stomach

Tomorrow is the big day. I have basically set myself up for some serious disappointment by looking forward to it so much. But it's not often that I get excited these days, and so I suppose it's good for me.

I went to a little show at the che cafe just now, and saw a band called The Finches that Charlene has been raving about for weeks. It's just an adorable girl and an adorable guy singing adorable folk songs together, and the guy's parents were in the audience! I loved them. Other than conversing with some seriously annoying sufjan hating elitists, it was a nice evening. I would have liked to stay to watch the last couple bands but I have some homework to finish, so that I can go spend tomorrow in guilt free and blissful infatuation.

But first I have to go to my academic advising appointment, german, and linguistics. Back to work.

Did I mention that Anu bought a hundred pack of otter pops the other day?! Well, she did!!

For the occasion of... you're pretty.

I almost forgot to mention that I saw "the science of sleep" on friday and it was really good. I highly recommend it, and I have already added it to my favorite movies on this profile.

"I hate it when you cry. It's horrible. Especially when it's not for me."

oh, so glorious.

A thought I had

You know how every so often you get one of those flashes of truth, where you feel like your whole existence and all of history is wrapped up in that one little moment of realization? It's like when you're listening to a song and suddenly you can smell your grandma's house. Do you know what I mean? I hope you do. In Buddy's letter to Zooey in "Franny and Zooey," he talks about how he had a moment like that, when the little girl in the supermarket told him that she had two boyfriends named Bobby and Dorothy. He rushed home to write to Zooey about it, but by the time he got there, it was gone. And I can sympathize with that, because by the time you go to write it down, it's always gone, even if you try to write it that every second. It's just a moment, and it was meant to be.

But the point is that I kind of had one of those moments yesterday, and even though I can't really tell you the moment itself, I can kind of tell you what it was about. I realized that making art is about taking things out of context. When studying art (and by art I mean a lot of different things like music and literature as well as painting or photography), we are always taught to put it into context, to look at the life of the artist, and the history of the time period, and the circumstances that surround each individual piece. But I think that by doing that we are taking away it's very essence, and in a sense we are taking the art right out of it.

Because nothing is really beautiful in context. Around every beautiful thing there is something mundane or depressing or just flat out ugly, and if you look at the context, the whole, all you'll ever see is the predictability and the mediocrity. But the whole point of beauty is to take something out of that mediocrity and put it in a frame and say "Look at this tiny little thing. Isn't it amazing?" It's not the typical pathetic every-day conversation that's beautiful, but one ordinary phrase, when taken out of this context, can bring you to your knees.

And that's what happened to me yesterday. I was walking back from work and I noticed on a purely intellectual level that it was a beautiful day. And I was sad that I couldn't feel that it was a beautiful day, because I was also looking at the parking lot and the cement buildings. But then for an instant, just a tiny moment, a sun ray hit me just right and the grass looked so green and for a moment the context was gone and that is when I had the moment.

And since I am assuming that the goal of any form of art is to inspire moments such as these (this assumption based solely on the fact that this would my goal if I were an artist), my advice to the world is to get rid of the context. Who needs it, anyway?

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Yeah. There is deifnitely a van driving through the quad right now.

Today has been a long hectic day. I went to work at 9 AM and didn't get back to the apartment till 5. I also found out that I have a midterm on the tenth, which is the day after Sufjan. It's only physics and I can study on the weekend, but still. Also I have one of my 6-8 page english papers due the monday after decemberists and dylan. You're killing me, Larry!

But tomorrow is the season premire of Lost! I can't wait, should be entralling.

Also, I wrote another half-hour-break-between-classes paragraph. Here it is, if you're interested:

The sun is out today, but the air feels like winter. It’s on days like this when I start to think about Christmas, when I wish I could wear my sweaters, and I am homesick for the Santa Annas. For my entire life, everyone I knew hated on the Santa Annas. But I always found them beautiful. They clear out the smog and make everything oversaturated and squinty and sparkly. At lunch the wind blows your hair right across your face so you can barely speak, and your lips grow chapped and your entire face faintly burns and you can scrape the dust out of your ears with a fingernail. When you get home you can’t even run your fingers through your hair, and it’s painful and wonderful and alive. As a kid I would use my jacket as a parachute and lean into the wind but it was strong and I would stay there standing strong with it. And every morning that I would wake up and see the row of plam trees bent over in agony outside my window, I would think to myself, “This is God. This is what it means to be alive.”

Que Elliott Smith...

"...It's [3:31] in the morning
and I'm putting myself on warning"

I really really can't sleep right now. I'm aware of a few reasons why this might be, but I really would rather not get into it. For now can i Just say that I REALLY wanna see the science of sleep?! It looks like my new favorite movie. it's playing here in La hOlla and I am going to go asap, I can't wait. It looks just delightful. even the website is delightful.

I have work in less than six hours uuuuuugh I hate when this happens. I need some sleeping pills ors.

I am borrowing this movie from sarah's blog. It is a video of what happens when you turn on the light in our bathroom. Oh, the joys of college life.



But don't worry, we found a solution!



In other news, I spent the whole afternoon poring over the course catalog. BIG MISTAKE. I am now doubting if I even have time to double major. But I did figure out that in order to minor in german lit i only need 4 more classes than I would be taking anyway, so I am probably gonna do that. Anyway I have an appointment with academic advising next monday morning and hopefully they will be able to help me work things out.

Tomorrow morning is my second day of work! I am kind of nervous to meet another one of my coworkers because this one is a guy (everyone I've met so far have been girls and really cool) and sometimes guys are harder to converse with at first. Whatever, as long as I get a lot of reading done I'll be fine!

It's almost monday again

Wow so I actually went a couple days without blogging for once! And by a couple I mean one. The weekend was pretty alright I suppose. Kind of bummed around and ate a lot. But that's ok. I tried to watch Little Women twice and fell asleep both times. Pretty freaking pathetic.

I made dinner tonight, enchiladas. They turned out pretty good and everyone liked them, so I am happy!

Only one week till sufjan and I am as excited as christmas times ten! I am seriously consideing hanging around outside afterwards and trying to meet him, I'm just that kind of a person. But seriously, I would LOVE to meet him, it would make my life. Although I have no idea what i would say, and would probably make a fool of myself.

Well, I have finally realized that I don't actually have much to say, and I'm sorry for wasting your time up to this point.