This will be my only complaining blog this week, I swear. I just feel that it's worth noting how much of an idiot I have been being these past few days, and especially yesterday, which I spent watching TV and attending a "chapbook party" where absolutely no chapbooks whatsoever were created. So I was up til like 6 in the morning doing the chapbook for real, and now I have to somehow manage the four hours of driving necessary to attend my sister's graduation this evening on only two hours of sleep! Also finish preparing for my german final which is at 8AM tomorrow. Oooohhhhh boy, what have I gotten myself into?

And the real kicker is that I forgot to bring my german book to work with me, so during the only time I could actually be working on the final, I am instead about to go check my facebook for about the 15th time today. Go team Mandy!

also: that german dude from Goodbye Lenin is pretty freaking attractive!

please be patient with me

Ok, I really like this new Wilco album. It's so 70s and nostalgic sounding. Not that I was alive in the 70s, but my parents were, and my earliest music memories reflect this.

Tonight I am staying up all night, just because it's easier that way. What's the point of sleeping for a couple hours, just to be incredibly late and not rested and worse at life in general? Besides, early morning hours are good for wallowing.

Today I went to a student reading of poetry and prose and there was some really amazing stuff going on there. My tutor for fiction class was one of the people reading and her stories were really great, which makes me feel good about the fact that she always compliments my writing (which is even better when I consider that I don't actually try very hard at all in that class because it annoys me). The other three people were great too; I won't go into it, but you can just take my word, I suppose. I wondered to myself how it is that these guys who are only a couple years older than I am manage to take themselves so seriously, not just as writers, but in general. I have a lot of trouble taking myself seriously. I feel the need to apologize for the things I do, or laugh them off as silly even when I don't think they are silly at all. At this point in my life, however, this may be for the best.

Tonight I had a strong urge to get in my car and go running (that is, driving--this is america, after all) for the hills. More specifically, the foothills directly below mount baldy. I'm not sure what caused this, besides the pure and pathetic need to escape. The season finale of Lost depressed me a lot, among other things, and I just wanted to get out. Maybe it's just spring fever. Maybe the sun just needs to come out (did you know in san diego they have something called "may gray"? "June gloom" doesnt quite seem to cover it down here by the ocean. they had to come up with "may gray" as well to articulate the extent of this dismal mediocre weather that is the bane of every student's springtime existence). Maybe I just need to do my german grammar exercises and not write so much poetry, or papers about it for that matter. Yeah, must be all the poetry.

I wonder how exactly I got to be so good at making myself unhappy. Do most people have this skill, or is it only me? And does anyone want to trade? Because I would much rather play the guitar or something.

I am not sure, but I think this might be the tiredest I have ever been in my entire life. That is probably not true, but it feels true at the moment. I really am not sure how I managed to get out of bed, but it was definitely a miracle because when i got to work, I literally could not keep my eyes open. I know this is a figure of speech but it actually happened to me. I could only open them for a couple seconds at a time cause they hurt so bad. After a ginormous double shot mocha I am still staring blankly with my mouth hanging open and dropping a lot of stuff. I don't think I have checked out a single movie so far without dropping at least one thing. Oh, I cannot wait for this day to be over. The good news is, I actually feel prepared for my lit final. It came at a high cost, but if I'm lucky I might pull off the A that I am aiming for. If I can stay awake a few more hours, that is.

Ask me how bad today sucks. Go ahead, I'll wait.

...

How bad does today suck?! really bad! Had to turn in my paper at 7AM in warren, had a final at 8, another final at 11:30, been at work since 3. This would all be fine and good if it weren't for the fact that my most important final is tomorrow and I was lucky enough to score another 5 hour shift tomorrow morning starting at 9. I was hoping to get some studying done here, but alas, it seems that UCSD is full to the brim of horrendous procrastinators who have decided to watch the films they need for their papers on the very last night possible. Good job guys, way to go, keep up the good work. Hooraaaaay coffee.

I am about to do one of those myspace bulletin surveys as a reward for having written 2 pages of my lit paper tonight. I know, right? Outside the window people are having fun. Lesigh.

Edit: turns out those people were actually my friends. Wow. Pathetic.

abla

I am having a really shitty day. I have a really bad headache. I have 3 more hours of work. This sucks really bad. Sometimes I feel like me and my body are enemies. It's out to get me, I'm telling you. Today I slept through both my german class and the time when I was supposed to meet with the literature advising office and get my study abroad thing signed. Now I have to get up early tomorrow and walk over to warren to get it done (hopefully) and then walk back to muir for my 10:00 class. Thus is my punishment for oversleeping. Except I don't think i should be punished. I am doing my best, I really am. It's week 10 and I have more important things to do than sleep. But you can't expect your body to understand these things. Soooo selfish. I suppose I will fill the rest of my time at work studying so that I will feel better about myself. But man, does my head hurt.

I can't wait to go to London. I hope I get in to King's. It will be marvelous.

I am so hungry! I always am in the middle of the night, and it's a real pain in the ass. Also, Anu is not here and I'm lonely. I don't know how you people with single rooms do it. It's fine at home, but for some reason I can't handle it at school. Ich brauche meine mitbewohnerin! einstattsgrüppen! I should go to bed now. Big week ahead.

update

exploring san diego: FAILURE

in'n'out: DELICIOUS

5 episodes of sex and the city: DEPRESSING

sleeping till 3: " "

only seeing two hours of daylight: " "

pizza: [probably will be] DELICIOUS

more sex and the city: [probably will be even more] DEPRESSING

my state of mind this past week: TOTALLY FUCKED UP

I am having one of those days (weeks?) I sometimes have in which I think that everyone I know has a way cooler, or funner, or just generally better, life than I do. Last night three of my roommates went out to various parties. I got off work at 9, watched TV, did minimal homework, and mostly just sat around with yasha mourning over the caliber of guys we come into contact with on a daily basis as opposed to that of Sufjan Stevens. Needless to say we got really depressed about that, and such was the state of things when anu and sarah got home from their respective parties at around 2:30 AM. I suppose this is not the sort of venue to be revealing other's potential secrets, but suffice it to say that the two of them, and especially sarah, had evenings that were much more exciting than, say, german pronoun endings and [half of] greys anatomy. And do you know what Sarah is doing now?! She's ona flight to LONDON. lerijhertgO48IYT48TYsduhrfughufdshgjkfdgwoeisme.

I went on my lunchbreak just now (finally) and do you know what's going on outside the library? A BEER GARDEN. It's 4 PM, I'm listening to death cab for cutie, and outside there are people getting drunk.

But really this is all very silly, because when I think about my life and how I wish it were, scenes of drunken dancing and beer pong are not what come to mind, no, not at all. What I really want to be doing with myself is maybe driving across country or watching a folk duo perform in a small smoky cafe. More specifically, I would like to explore san diego tonight. But my friends are tired form their busy and interesting weeks, and they rather stay in and watch sex and the city. damn! shot down!

Wow, I am pathetic. I predict that this blog will be deleted within the hour.

If there is one thing that puts me in a terrible mood, it's doing homework on a Friday night. Saturday night, I can do. Friday night is just wrong. I am so burnt out and right now I just want it all to be over, although you wouldn't know it by the way I keep procrastinating on this paper.