My first day of work is tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it, so I am staying up all night watching Felicity, season 4. Season 4 is pretty bad, by the way. Pretty bad. But hey, whatever, cause I read, let's see, about 7 pages of Faulkner earlier this evening! Wow, right now Javier's cat is drinking coffee (milk and two sugars).

So anyway, I spent all day shopping for black pants and polo shirts and undershirts and belts and wine openers and lighters. OK, I suppose that I didn't have to give you the entire list, I'm sorry. All I can say is, I had better make some serious money with this stupid job cause I sure as hell spent enough already for it.

I think that I probably need a good notebook.

when you're back in your old neighborhood
the cigarettes taste so good
but you're so misunderstood
so misunderstood
there's something there that you can't find
you're honest when you're telling a lie
you hurt her but you don't know why
you love her but you don't know why
short on long-term goals
there's a party there that we oughta go to
if you still love rock and roll
you still love rock and roll
it's only a quarter to three
reflecting off of your CD
you're looking at a picture of me
staring at a picture of me
take the guitar player for a ride
he aint never been satisfied
he thinks he owes some kind of debt
be years before he gets over it
there's a fortune inside your head
all you touch turns to lead
you think you might just crawl back in bed
the fortune inside your head
you know you're just a mama's boy
positively unemployed
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
I know you got a God-shaped hole
bleeding out your heart full of soul
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
I'd like to thank you all for nothing
I'd like to thank you all for nothing at all
I'd like to thank you all for nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing at all

no new secrets this week?! shocking.

Hi, I'm a brown bear, and I'm easily the coolest animal in north america!



shut up.

redundancies

Tonight was a good night. Josh and santee came over and we set off some really amazing (read: most boring I have ever seen in my entire life but in a really hilarious way) fireworks. I can't wait for the actual fourth because I love fireworks with all my heart. I know I already talked about this but I am actually sad about the whole fireworks becoming illegal thing. I mean actually get a sad feeling inside when I think about it. Also a little bit of outrage is mixed in. My childhood is going up in flames and screaming like a piccolo pete. Josh and Santee, by the way, dropped the ball and did not purchase any piccolo petes for tonight's pre-game festivities. also only one pack of ground blooms. Way to botch things up, guys, for serious.

After that we went to Corky's (it's like dennys but not) and ate with marcos. marcos was incredibly happy to see me, as always, and as always, I was mildly disturbed by this. However, I soon became distraced by the fact that I ordered 2 pieces of french toast and ended up getting THREE. mmmm delicious.

When I got home my sister and I created an amazing illustration of harry potter becoming a death eater despite ron's pleas, and laughed a lot. Now I have to occupy my mind for a few more hours because I managed to sleep pretty much all day long.

Dear Sarah,

Today I mailed in my visa application. It was really stressful and if my passport gets lost in the mail it will be even more so, but hopefully it will all be taken care of after this. I got hired at the party staff but have not worked at all yet. I still need to buy pants with beltloops so i can tuck in my shirt and look like a total ass. I am pretty stoked about this. If I am not offered any jobs this weekend, I might come down to san diego. If not, I will be there soon enough. My family has been here visiting and I have decided that I do not like kids anymore. They are intimidating and very difficult to hold a conversation with. I always feel stupid talking to kids, or condescending, and I hate asking them how old they are. Why can't people ever think of things to say to kids besides "how old are you?" I mean they probably don't mind much, but I feel really lame about it. Anyway the kids are gone now and it's just our family and one other, and in comparison to yesterday, it's silent as a tomb here. Phew. I finished my first book of the summer, and now have at least 9 more to go. This number is arbitrary but important. I decided I dont read nearly enough so I assigned myself the task of reading at least 10 books this summer. Anyway, in regards to the first book (see below for more details), all I can say is damn, that guy knows how to write an ending. Those endings, they really get me! It seems like it's possible to have a pretty mediocre book that still ends up being good because of the ending. Anyway, they stick in my mind for long periods of time. I'm now movingon to Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. Hopefully I can get through it. It's almost the fourth of july which is exciting, but I am pretty bummed out because this will be the last year Fontana will allow fireworks. What freaking jerks. I honestly don't understand grown ups, really, I don't.

Today I got a new purse and there were 16 silica gel packs inside it.

I ate three and gave one to my dog.

Last night I got a whole bunch of free musics from daytrotter.com. It was tight, and they are good musics. I got girzzly bear, rafter, peter and the wolf, and alela diane so far. I have been wanting to listen to peter and the wolf forever, but someone from whom I get all my music does not have any peter and the wolf. yeah, get on it, thanks. So I had to go to great lengths to get these free downloads; there were at least ten clicks involved, and frankly, my finger is tired. However, I really like these four songs! I am excited to hear their actual albums someday. And as for the others, they are good, but I already knew that.

I know that I spelled grizzly wrong but I decided it's funner this way. Like giirrrrlzzy bear. I dunno. Fun.

Ok, so who has read a heartbreaking work of staggering genius? It isn't really like I expected it to be at all, and once I am done I would like to talk about it with someone. I mean what exactly is he doing here? He kind of doesn't even allow you to have an opinion on it. He's just written it and he makes it pretty clear that he's writtwen it for himself, some kind of purging/coming to terms thing. And yet it's so widely read, nominated for the pullitzer prize, etc. Did he just get insanely lucky with this? And this whole thing he does where he's metacognitive to the point of complete chaos-- is this where writing is going? Is that too easy? Is easy bad? Is complete chaos of thought somehow more honest than trying to figure out some kind of answer?

Few writers make me think as much as Dave Eggers does. And I find that a little bit ironic, which makes me feel like a jerk because it means I don't take him seriously for some reason. Why don't I take him seriously? If I told you my guess, would that make me even more of a jerk? I think it would. For once I will hold back.

Gotta get dressed, the relatives are here!

Summer: Week One Highlights

- kind of almost getting a job with very little effort
- gilmore girls, season two (lowlight: end of gilmore girls, season two)
- lying on the grass at the absolute most perfect time of day, listening to robert/whitfield play the guitar
- driving an hour to go to Sonic (at sunset)/ordering through awesome speaker thing/foot long chili dog
- sitting on a dock in relative silence for a very long time, and the things that go along with that, such as, but not limited to, water, reflections, rowboats, sweaters, all you need is love
- free iced tea at the bucks
- dennys dennys dennys

sarah jessica, you're my hero!

worst moving day ever so far in college!

I am so tired.

I am so glad that's over.

I am so ready for some nonstop DVD marathons and pool floating.

I am so about to eat a lot of candy.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I wish I was smaller, a little creepy crawler

Ah, my last shift at the film and video reserves, just how I like it: boring and lonely. I am closing by myself tonight, and there have been about 10 people in here total since I arrived. What a fitting end. I can't really decide how I feel about this job overall. It was pretty good money, not at all difficult, and conducive to being a student who has a lot of homework and lives on campus. However, I think there is something to be said for challenging oneself, even in the context of shitty part time jobs. Ask me again this summer when I have a job that involves standing on my feet and actually dealing with people, and see what I see then. I have a feeling it might be very different, but alas, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I hope nobody takes this personally, because it's not at all, but I am really not looking forward to the pilgrimage home on saturday. It's just that the idea of spending the entire summer in Fontana makes me feel very very numb, which is one of my least favorite feelings. Also, I have yet to seriously think about what I'm going to do for work. Oh, death.

I got through finals by the skin of my teeth, planning only a few hours at a time and finishing everything at the very last minute. Thank goodness this was such a chill quarter, or things may have gotten really ugly.

I am currently reading my fiction teacher's novel, Madeline is Sleeping. I don't know. I think I came into it not wanting to like it for some reason, and now I am still waiting to be convinced. It would help, I think, if I had some idea what the hell is going on with the plot. The thing is though that now I want to like it, since my teacher likes me, and I want to feel really great about that. It's just that I think I may have screwed myself over by starting the book with a bad attitude. Or maybe it's just not my style, I don't know. It's not salinger, that's for sure. Thank God they don't teach too much salinger in school. I don't want them to ruin it for me, ever. I refuse to let them ruin salinger for me! never!

This has been long. Back to online videos/myspace/facebook/sufjan stalking/ipod/madeline is sleeping/solitarie


p.s.- do any of my compulsive-blog-checking roommates want to go to cotixans tonight?

I bought a lava lamp.

Who wants to go to Wilco at the Greek Theater on August 29th?

Besides me, of course.

Ok, so yesterday was insane. But the final went well, and I was surprisingly fluent after not really having to talk in German all quarter.

Congrats to my siblings for graduating from their respective schools. Nice hustle.

Now that I'm in the home stretch of finals, I have moved on to dreading the move-out process, and also just leaving san diego in general, which will suck despite all my fernweh.

Must go finish story about awkward oregon trail boy.

This will be my only complaining blog this week, I swear. I just feel that it's worth noting how much of an idiot I have been being these past few days, and especially yesterday, which I spent watching TV and attending a "chapbook party" where absolutely no chapbooks whatsoever were created. So I was up til like 6 in the morning doing the chapbook for real, and now I have to somehow manage the four hours of driving necessary to attend my sister's graduation this evening on only two hours of sleep! Also finish preparing for my german final which is at 8AM tomorrow. Oooohhhhh boy, what have I gotten myself into?

And the real kicker is that I forgot to bring my german book to work with me, so during the only time I could actually be working on the final, I am instead about to go check my facebook for about the 15th time today. Go team Mandy!

also: that german dude from Goodbye Lenin is pretty freaking attractive!

coffee I need coffee SOMEONE GET ME SOME COFFEE

I am a published author

so far, one (count em, one) copy of one chapbook. this one's gonna be worth the big bucks.

My Weekend

Friday: pain.bed.mercado.bed.cheeseburger.homework.pain.

Saturday: drive.josh.burrito.nap.cheeseburger.homework.josh.homework.

Sunday: sunburn.grandparents.enchiladas.flautas.taquitos.burritos.guacamole.guacamole.guacamole.drive.guacamole.

party in a box!!

Sitting in Class

I will tap out a minor chord with mallets
on the ascending notes of your vertebrae,

construct bagpipes of your lungs,
squeeze out the notes I want to hear,

play a sonata on the strings of your DNA,
and retune your code until
you love me as much as I love this song.

ooooooooowwwwww

are you writing from the heart?
are you writing from the heart?

I am good at german now

So I translated this bad boy all by myself. They say you can only translate something well if you actually like it, so I picked this. It reminds me a lot of "Why You'd Want to Live Here" by Death Cab, and "Los Angeles, I'm Yours" by the Decemberists, both of which I really like. For some reason I am attracted to these things that bash LA, but not because I hate LA. I think I love LA because of how much it sucks, in a way. It's like, for real. Anyway this is the poem in translation, and I'm actually pretty proud of it!

(oh yeah, the background is that this guy brecht was exiled from germany during the nazi era and relocated in santa monica for a while with a bunch of other german artists who apparently all hated on LA together!)

Thinking About Hell
by Bertold Brecht

Thinking, so I hear, about Hell,
My brother Shelley found it to be a place
Roughly similar to London. I
Who do not live in London, but in Los Angeles
Find, thinking about Hell, that it must be
Even more like Los Angeles.

Even in Hell
There are, I don’t doubt, these luxuriant gardens
With flowers as big as trees, admittedly wilted
Without delay if not watered by very expensive water.
And fruit markets
With entire heaps of fruit that nonetheless
Have neither scent nor flavor. And endless trains of cars
Lighter than their own shadows, quicker than
Foolish thoughts, shimmering vehicles, in which
Rosy people, who come from nowhere, go nowhere.
And houses, because they’re built for the happy, stand empty
Even when occupied.

Even the houses in Hell are not all ugly.
But the worry of being thrown out on the street
Consumes the inhabitants of the villas no less than
The inhabitants of the barracks.

I learned my lesson tonight, and I am never going to the doctor again! I had to wait like two hours just to get a douchebag leg brace and some douchebag crutches! llllllame. never again, I tell you. never again.

summer to do list:

- make chapbook
- construct longboard (skate, not surf), or at least decorate in ridiculous/artsy fashion
- learn to ride longboard
- go on roadtrip to somewhere either actually cool or so lame it's cool
- visit san deigo (lots)
- visit berkeley (maybe)
- manage to save money despite these plans


to be continued

Last night was so sureal. The fire alarm went off what felt like about 10 times but in all likelihood was many more. Diden't sleep for more than a half an hour at a time, but was so tired I would only wake up for a few seconds, be incredibly disoriented, and then fall back asleep. Was offered a hotel room at some point, turned it down. Come morning there were loud strangers in my room; only saw them for a few seconds as well before the eyes shut. When my actual alarm went off at 11:00 for class, I turned it off as quick as I could, thinking to myself that I never want to hear an alarm again in my entire life. Unfortunately I had set another one for 11:30.

by the way, there was no fire, in case you were still wondering.

On the dark side, my friend

I wonder how long it will take Anu to notice I have this song on repeat.

I am totally obsessed with this blogotheque website, like woah. Those videos are amazing. I haven't watched them all, but so far I especially recommend the national, the arcade fire, grizzly bear, and sufjan, of course. I can't even tell you how beautiful these movies are. You have to see for yourself! I also highly enjoyed this little bit of insight:

I never thought I would be able to film Sufjan. I tried my chance one time before but the good man needs his time, a kind of slow accession into a calm moment of rare revelation. And so it was no surprise that 10 minutes before filming him, he kind a freaked out, saying, with fleeing and frightened eyes like an animal being hunted « No, no, I don’t want to be filmed anymore, leave me be. »

Let us ignore the awkward translation and focus mainly on how badly we want to give Sufjan a hug, shall we?

In other news, tonight I did some grafiti in the mandeville staircase. I ruined my UCSD sweatshirt, but it was so worth it. OK, it may not have been worth it, but it was fun!

like the way you dig sunsets, pony. that's gold.

this is a test

Shit man, I heard some seriously terrible poetry today. Like woah. I think we could probably just have all listened to "The world is a rainbow" by Rafii and that would have been more thoughtful than the stuff I was listening to. uuuuuughh sometimes being in writing classes really makes me disappointed in humanity. This is the part where I should say "but there was also some really good stuff," but I don't feel like saying that right now, ok?!


(there was, though)

also:

Oh my God.

http://www.stereogum.com/archives/new-sufjan-stevens-in-the-words-of-the-governor-st.html#more

too excited for html, sorry.

You have no idea how happy this makes me.

The shins playing the streets of Paris. I almost cried, seriously.

http://www.dailymotion.com/related/3520037/video/x1pcay_44-the-shins-part1/1

There is also a really really great one of sufjan. Really really great. Really really really great.

today's thoughts.

Is it wrong to be secretly glad when coffee spills all over your poetry reader? (related: is there such a thing as an accident? think: there's a boy in the girl's bathroom)

also: Is it wrong to know your poem will be misunderstood and yet not change it just so you can feel complicated?

also: Is it wrong to bend your notebook back and forth for the length of an entire poetry reading, so that it feels more broken in? (Same question applies to purposely scuffing up converse tennis shoes.)

new topic: Some people are really easy to make fun of. Are these the best people, or the worst?

note to reader: Don't misunderstand me, at least not willfully.

9th grade nostalgia night

is tomorrow just a day
like all the rest
how could you know just what you did
so full of faith yet full of doubt
I ask
again
I shall ask you this once again
he said
I am but one small instrument
do you remember that?
time and time again you said
don't be afaid
if you believe you can do it
the only voice i want to hear is yours
again
I shall ask you this once again
he said
I am but one small instrument
do you remember that?
so here here I am above palm trees
so straight and tall
you are smaller
getting smaller but I still
see
you

-jimmy eat world


(I think I am going to have to put A Prayer for Owen Meany as number one on my summer reading list, cause it's kind of stalking me a little bit)

please be patient with me

Ok, I really like this new Wilco album. It's so 70s and nostalgic sounding. Not that I was alive in the 70s, but my parents were, and my earliest music memories reflect this.

Tonight I am staying up all night, just because it's easier that way. What's the point of sleeping for a couple hours, just to be incredibly late and not rested and worse at life in general? Besides, early morning hours are good for wallowing.

Today I went to a student reading of poetry and prose and there was some really amazing stuff going on there. My tutor for fiction class was one of the people reading and her stories were really great, which makes me feel good about the fact that she always compliments my writing (which is even better when I consider that I don't actually try very hard at all in that class because it annoys me). The other three people were great too; I won't go into it, but you can just take my word, I suppose. I wondered to myself how it is that these guys who are only a couple years older than I am manage to take themselves so seriously, not just as writers, but in general. I have a lot of trouble taking myself seriously. I feel the need to apologize for the things I do, or laugh them off as silly even when I don't think they are silly at all. At this point in my life, however, this may be for the best.

Tonight I had a strong urge to get in my car and go running (that is, driving--this is america, after all) for the hills. More specifically, the foothills directly below mount baldy. I'm not sure what caused this, besides the pure and pathetic need to escape. The season finale of Lost depressed me a lot, among other things, and I just wanted to get out. Maybe it's just spring fever. Maybe the sun just needs to come out (did you know in san diego they have something called "may gray"? "June gloom" doesnt quite seem to cover it down here by the ocean. they had to come up with "may gray" as well to articulate the extent of this dismal mediocre weather that is the bane of every student's springtime existence). Maybe I just need to do my german grammar exercises and not write so much poetry, or papers about it for that matter. Yeah, must be all the poetry.

Because I was lacking in inspiration for my long poem today, I sent both Josh and Whitfield the same text message, which read, "If you had to write a poem about the 909, what would you write?"

Josh replied:
How cynical and disenchanted living in it has made me. Or how I hate bros.

Whitfield replied:
Josh


Thats when I knew I was on the right track.

I have been feeling pretty down today. But, I had a good cry to some elliott smith (sadly, I am not joking about this), cleaned my room a lot, and started my laundry. I feel quite a bit better now.

Ouch

When I stood up out of bed this morning, I realized that pretty much every muscle in my body is sore and stiff. I can't imagine what could have caused this, except for maybe trying to hold back mobs of people while waiting in "line" for sungod, or dancing for like 2 hours straight. I was also silly enough to wear my rainbows, which resulted in the breakage of both big toe nails. What I'm trying to get at here is, Sungod was fun!




Today, however, I am feeling rather sad.

UCSD? more like

MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY!!!!

Dude, so I was watching the san diego news (lolz) just now, and guess what I saw? You know that corner down on Arrow where all the day laborers stand? Well on that corner two of the guys got KIDNAPPED and the kidnappers drove them all the way down to TJ and left them there! Like holy crap. I mean first of all, wow, Rancho was on the news! I was like, I KNOW THAT CORNER. But secondly, and more importantly, that is so incredibly messed up. That's just the kind of inhumane bullshit that anti-immigration people get criticized for all the time. It's one thing to talk about it on a political or economic level, but to actually attack two guys who are just trying to do the best they can is not ok. As if the kidnappers wouldn't have done the exact same thing in their position.

But don't worry guys, Matt and I have a lead that we're gonna follow up on. Matt's gonna make it big after this expose. The New York Times will be knocking at his door in no time. Let's just say there a couple of AM talk show hosts that fit the profile of the kidnappers exactly... more at 11.

New Wilco album, yeah!

Sarah's coming tomorrow!

So much to do tonight!

I AM SUCH A SLACKER.

I am listening to 70s music right now. It makes me feel good inside. almost as good as 60s music. Whitfield's mother told me the other night that she once got to go onstage with Donovan. HOLY CRAP. You grown ups are so lucky. No, on second thought, I think our music is better. Yeah, I said it.

deng

I am up really late right now. Once again, I am not looking forward ot the morning. But then, do I ever?

This weekend is has started out very well. I went out to dinner with my parents, to the bucks (FO FREE!) and to Jumping Jack's! For those of you losers who don't already know, Jumping Jack's is basically two huge rooms full of blow up bouncy things, where kids have birthday parties and act crazy. Damian works there, and some fool gave him a set of keys, so we got to go play in there at like 2 in the morning, which was great. Apparently this is a common activity among those who know Damian, but it was my first time in this magical wonderland of rubber. There were bungee cord races involved, as well as slides sprayed with Pledge for faster sliding, and air hockey. The only thing is that I, the biggest clutz of all time, have managed to sustain a neck injury. Woops. I am not looking forward to the morning, that's all I have to say about that.

edit: morning has come, and the neck feels much better. thanks for your concern.

Today

It was hot out, and German class was at the Grove cafe, and I sat outside eating ice cream for lunch, and I went to a poetry/novel reading that was pretty great, and I took an amazing nap. then i ate chipotle with whitfield and spent the rest of the night sitting on the balcony drinking orange soda with anu and yasha. there are all kinds of bugs in our room from leaving the window open, but summer is coming, and I bought 24 newly released elliott smith songs on itunes. cool!


we will write
a postcard to our
friends and family
in free verse

some important questions

pandatiger

If I were an animal
I would be a brown bear
and my roommate would be a wild boar
what kind of animal
would you be?




spicy grass

what is the smell of summer?
is it calomine?



What is the meaning of life?

When there are wars
and the SARS
and babies cry
What is the meaning of life?




not and

what do you use when you don't use and?
do you use not-and?

my life as an english major

SPEAKER and READER are just easy ways to say I think YOU are a bad WRITER and I wanted to lay down and cry or maybe kill MYSELF when I READ YOUR short story.

On my way to work just now I was ATTACKED BY A BIRD. Twice.

My head:

most confused ever

My job:

most boring ever

late 80s, early 90s:

worst fashion ever

Mangoriffic:

worst idea ever

Yesterday I was lying there in the sun listening to sigur ros on my ipod with my eyes closed. Toward the end of the song, which was Olsen Olsen (Mary Kate and Ashley? I always wondered.), I opened my eyes to find a cute little bird sitting on top of the light post directly in my line of vision. He was brown and fat and chirping all cute-like. I pretended like he was playing the piccolo part at the end, and it was awesome. Either he, the clouds, or I was moving, but I couldn't tell which. I suppose probably the clouds, but it's all relative, really.

So for Sungod this year we have TI, Third Eye Blind, Ben Kweller, and others that I do not recognize. Not too bad, not too bad. especially compared to last year's fiasco...

So I'm standing there putting a lid on my mocha when this guy next to me says, "How's it going."
I turn my head, surprised, but before I can answer he's all, "What kind of drink is that?"
"Oh, it's just a mocha." I say.
"What kind?"
"Just a regular one." He doesn't seem to find this response sufficient. "Well it's nonfat, but it's just a regular--"
"what flavor?"
"well, just chocolate."
"chocolate?"
"yeah." There is a short pause during which I consider whether mocha does, in fact, imply chocolate, as I always assumed it had. I decide that I am pretty sure it does.
"Yeah, I switched to non-fat a long time ago." He continues. "I think Americans drink too much milk [I laugh]. And if you add up all the grams of fat in a glass of whole milk?"
"Yeah, it's a lot."
"Yeah, and if you like subtract the number of fat, of calories, you know, by switching to skim?"
"yeah, I know, it makes a big difference."
I am done preparing my drink and turn away, looking toward the counter to see if my bagel is ready yet, hoping that it is.
"Nice talking to you," he says.
"Yeah, bye," I say.

I can't believe I did Mr. J a favor today. That jerk with his wannabe eloquent diction.

Look.

If I had known that I would later be forced to spend another two hours talking about this stupid made up memory, I wouldn't have written it in the first palce. Thanks for the heads-up.

I don't know if I wanna be a writer anymore. I just want my profession to be laying on the grass, or iPod listening, or looking out windows.

This morning my coworker Jade told me that she once had a dream where the film and video reserves was not just the film and video reserves, but also dairy queen. Like, I'll have FVLDV 1056-1, and a butterfinger Blizzard, please. Or, Would you like to make that "Amores Perros" a combo for only 45 cents more? I thought that was pretty much the best thing I've ever heard. Keep up the good work, er, dreams, Jade.

It was so warm this morning that I didnt even consider taking a sweater. I wish I could go to the beach instead of sitting in here. but I am watching Goodbye Lenin, which is good.

Phrane

Writing in English about a poem that's written in German makes me feel schizometric.

Bright Eyes

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP SHUT. UP.

I miss

There are certain lines in movies that I have always wished a guy would say to me. I'm not talking about anything lame like "Here's looking at you, kid," or "You had me from hello." Eww. I just really wish someone would ask me if I'd like to go eat a bag of caramels sometime. I would be so down. Also, I wouldn't be opposed to a classic "because everyone else is boring, and you're different" every once in a while. But this, like most other things, is just too much to ask. I suppose that is what movies are for.

I don't really know what to do with myself today.

Der Radwechsel

I read this totally great poem in my german poetry class today, by Bertold Brecht, and this was it:

Ich setze am Straßenrand.
Der Fahrer wechselt das Rad.
Ich bin nicht gern, wo ich herkomme.
Ich bin night gern, wo ich hinfahre.
Warum sehe ich den Radwechsel
Mit Ungeduld?



Which means something along the lines of:

I sit on the roadside.
The driver changes the tire.
I do not like where I come from.
I do not like where I am going.
Why do I watch the tire-change
with impatience?



That was my own terrible translation, but you get the idea. Cool, huh? I hope it doesn't sond corny in english. It seems to me like the germans can say anything they want and be so dead serious about it that it never comes out corny. we americans have to be more careful.

An open letter to whoever left the swedish fish on my desk:

I hope you meant for me to eat them, and didn't just forget them or something. Because you can't just go around leaving swedish fish all over the place and expect for them to be there later. Finders keepers, is all I'm sayin.

Sincerely,
Mandy

This is just to say

I volunteered to read the poem making fun of William Carlos Williams out loud.
I'm not sorry, because we talked about it all weekend
and I didn't want anyone else to have it.





Also, I got a letter from King's College today, informing me which classes I have been "allocated," which means the ones I am stuck with, like it or not. They are

modern theater,
victorians and social change,
elizabethan shakespeare,
twentieth century postwar fiction,

australian literature and film,
first world war literature,
paradise lost,
and poetry in america 1900-1950.

Luckily, I am pretty happy with these courses. I am going to move to london for a year and read a lot.

I have been feeling blank lately. I have nothing to say these days. Berkeley was good, I believe, but I feel blank about that too. I wish I had more to say for myself while there. The drive was long, but I like long drives. I didn't sleep last night, but that's ok. Roadtrips make me nostalgic for other roadtrips. I wrote a poem this morning about Pete Seeger and me and Sarah Rothberg. It was an assignment. I have good things to read.

Holy crap today Yasha gave me a little Moleskine notebook! It's wonderful. I can't wait to use it, but I have to think of something really good to put in it so as to not spoil it's beautiful writerly goodness. You should see the lines, they're just the right size. Speaking of writing, I have to do a lot of it and I don't have any time but I can't wait to go on our roadtrip to Berkeley!

The Shins

Look, I know a lot of people don't think they're that big a deal, but I never understood it. I guess they're not exactly groundbreaking or anything, but they have produced three nearly perfect albums of damn good music. Everything is just so good, the lyrics and the bass and the catchy melodies and it's all so controlled but fun and sad and nostalgic and you can sing along really loud. Yet while the goodness remains constant, their sound completely changes with each album, which is amazing! I mean you can barely even recognize the vocals as being from the same guy. OK, I guess you can, but you get my point. I guess people never really forgave them for the Garden State thing, and I agree that listening to someone as important as Natalie Portman talk about the shins like she's one of us pathetic souls-- who need independent music, the idea of independent music, like we need coffee, mothers, human touch-- is like nails on a chalk board. But if any band deserved such a blatant name drop, it was the shins. They're so ridiculously accessible, that I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. Besides, if Zack Braff had known he was going to take the indie right out of his favorite indie band, i.e. if he had known his film was going to be such a hit, I like to think he might not have done it. Anyway, the point of this absurd post is simply to say that I am finally going to go see them tomorrow, after at least six years of fandom, and I am stoked.

In other news, non-fat cream cheese is grossgrossgrossgrossgross. It has this really terrible chalky texture that literally made me gag a few minutes ago. Thanks Summit for helping me start the day off right.

I almost forgot to say

I AM GOING TO LONDON NEXT YEAR!

To study at King's College, University of London! Which is apparently the 7th best school in the nation! And also apparently number one for English! That's only according to one ranking! But it seems to be pretty legit!



sooooo excited slash terrified.

It was Sufjan Stevens. Music and internet stalking.



Happy Easter! He is risen indeed.

like a rolling stone
a like a rolling stone
like the FBI
and the CIA
and the BBC
BB King
a Doris Day
Matt Busby
dig it dig it dig it dig it dig it dig it dig it dig it

is it ok
if your poem doesn't make
sense even to you
as long as it is arranged in
lines like this?


Man, I hope so.

Paradiddle

I just saw Ratatat at the pub--FOR FREE! (Imagine i said that like the "unforgivable" guy please, ok thanks) It was like omg so fun, charles and eric and I and others were dancing like crazy and whitfield was dancing a little bit too. Their music is great, and although I would probably never sit around and listen to it, it's perfect for a show. Also, they had a really nice thing going on with the screen and the shadows... never mind. Definitely going on my list of favorite concerts. It's nice to go to shows here and run into all kinds of people and meet people and see people in general. Especially on a tuesday.

In other news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my lovely roommate Pam Rajagopal. It's the big 2-0. In other words, my roommate is very depressed today. But we will cheer her up with some delicious Greek goodness, most likely involving many different cheeses. Can't wait!

back to school,
back to green bed,
back to black coffee,
back to clean air.


Finished Miss Lonelyhearts by Nathanael West. It was really good. Also hugely depressing, but in a good way. Gotta read 3 short stories, one off them being The Metamorphasis, by Wednesday, and who knows what else. The quarter system is indeed merciless. In an hour I begin poetry--first reading it in german, then writing it. I am scared!

Yeah so, it might be another 2 months before I find out about England. Or longer. So don't ask me about it anymore! In the meantime, paperwork sucks hard.

I wonder how exactly I got to be so good at making myself unhappy. Do most people have this skill, or is it only me? And does anyone want to trade? Because I would much rather play the guitar or something.

The thing about the Mountain Goats' "Get Lonely" is that I feel like I could have done it myself. "But you didn't," you say. No, wait, no, that was me. I said that. And it's quite a valid point, I think. But thinking you could have done it yourself is still one step down from awe and amazement. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Ok, wait, I figured it out. It's that the argument "But you didn't" doesn't really go far, because, well, I still could have. It's still the ones you're in awe of that are really the best, I think. At this moment, I think that. Ask me again later.


edit: or does the fact that you didn't imply that you couldn't have? I suppose it probably does, but then, just the fact that you are even thinking that you could have says a lot about the thing you supposedly could have done.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

I hung out at Whitfield's on Friday night. Since all of my roommates were gone, they were nice and let me spend the night, and we put sleeping bags on the floor and had a slumber party. We ate cotixans, made cookies, and watched 3 movies. Here are my reviews:

Upon rewatching Stranger then Ficttion, I decided that it had a lot of potential but wasn't actually that good. I think it was trying to be a Michael Gondry type thing, like what we kids are really into right now, and yet it had a very grown up feel to it. I'm not sure what I mean by that, but it kind of felt like someone was trying to be the cool mom or something. I think I had some problems with the casting, too. I mean, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Will Ferrel? That's kind of awkward and maybe even a little gross for some reason. Emma Thompson was good, but Dustin Hoffman just played the same guy he did in I Heart Huckabees, only with more multitasking and a coffee addiction. Which I found to be annoying. OK, enough bashing, the movie was alright. It's just that I watched it twice in a short period of time.

So then we watched Garden State, and it did not give me the Garden State Feeling. That's when I realized that the Garden State Feeling is a very specifically 2005 feeling, and now it is 2007. I was still disappointed, though. It's sad to grow out of things.

Also saw Me and You and Everyone we Know. It was alright, but I felt like it was just too indie, like someone had sat down to write an indie film. But it looked nice, and had some solid gold dialogue about pooping back and forth...forever. Honestly, I would recomend the movie just for that one scene. It was that good.

We never did get around to sleeping, so I went home at about 7:30 in the morning. The sun had just come up and nobody was out, because it was the first day of spring break. The birds were chirping and I sang along to joanna newsom on my ipod. The walk from sixth to muir is usually a pain in the ass, but this time I highly enjoyed it.

Sometimes, college is just so amazing. It can be 5 in the morning and our whole apartment can be awake and nobody even coments on it. Except for me, right now, on my blog. Damn it! But assuming I hadn't just said that, isn't college amazing?

Dear everyone,

i am so stupid and I cannot speak or read or write german and i thought i could but i have been studying for hours and i still do not understand ahhhhh deathdeatdeath why did i sleep in so late today i think i am losing my mind i just want to watch tv or do something equally mindless and i think i might have failed my final exam for online traffic school what kind of pathetic is that seriously like what the hell i am such a loser today and so stressed out but sarah is coming to visit over break and that is good.

lovemandy

you can radiate everything you are

I think the clothes that people wear during finals weeks are very telling. You can tell so much about the kind of student a person is, how hard their classes are, how concerned they are with their appearance, etc, simply by looking at, say, their hair. Or at least you can pretend that you can tell. For instance, I showed up to my Jane Austen final today, and found that about one third of the class was rocking the messy bun with headband look, just like me. And working in the library on sunday, not a single person camped out outside the film reserves was wearing jeans, as far as I could tell. As I sat there looking at them, suddenly my jeans felt so oppressive. Or maybe it was just all the junkfood I've been convincing myself it's justifiable to eat. Anyway, every time I see someone walk by outside my window in an outfit involving something other than a sweatshirt, or a person with clean straight hair, I feel sorry for their meaningless life. That person can't possibly be as busy and important as I am. No way.


But I'll be honest with you--really I just didn't feel like taking a shower.


You see how that paragraph was all disjointed, but not at the same time? Like how it almost makes sense but then not really? It's annoying to me, cause like if you're going to have it disjointed, just go ahead and do it, right? But I can't stop. It's really frustating.

Headbands are soooo great! They like, hold you hair back! It's awesome. I am having a lot of trouble making myself care about finals.

My little sister is the most brilliant genius of all time and has been accepted to the film school at USC! She's on her way to greatness. Bronte, Tenenbaum, Ripley? Who knows.

Today has been a great day. I got an A on my research paper, and it was the last day of class, and the lectures were on Persuasion, and we went to old town for mexican and I wore my new dress. Like I said, a good day.

Pam, that is, Richard, wanted me to put this on here for some reason. I will humor her, because she is my roommate, and I wouldn't want things to get awkward.

OK, for all of you who seem to care about my future more than I do, I finally got around to calling the programs abroad office today. My advisor said she hadn't heard any news about my application. But, she said that at this point no news is probably good news, because a lot of the people who got denied by their first choice have found out by now and had to send it to the second school. She also said that I will be notified by email, so that means I can stop checking my mailbox every day. The acceptances have apparently started to trickle in, so I should find out relatively soon. I hope you're happy, blog stalkers.

Also, I would like to say, just this once, that lent is harrrrrd and I can't wait for easter, really I cannot. It wasn't that bad at first but now it's week 10 and I have to learn the art of self soothing, and it's no good. My parents should have done that thing when I was a baby where they let you cry and scream for a week straight and then you learn to sleep on your own. Then I wouldn't be in this predicament. I might have abandonment issues, but then I think that on some level we all do.

sleeping bear

I <3 my TA. Sarah, you would appreciate this. He almost invited me to be part of his salon (WTF?! salon?!) until he found out I was only 20. I think he should have invited me anyway, but then I'm glad he didn't, because it would mean having to converse with graduate students in particular and people I don't know in general. Anyway, it's good to know someone thinks you're cool enough to recruit you into their secret society. Plus I have an idea for my final project and I think it will be pretty good, if I can pull it off.

Next quarter, I am going to get fired from my job. I can feel it. 9 AM shifts wednesday and Friday. Oh dear. Also, I got Saturday afternoon. Which is bad, but I feel it's actually better than sunday night for some reason. I dunno, I guess I really value my sunday nights. I will probably miss out on a bunch of beach action, but then again I can just go on Sunday. I doubt I will have much trouble finding willing accomplises. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it so why worry? I must work for England. That is my consolation.

I don't have much to say, really. The nice weather has really put me in a good mood, and my workload is not as mind-numbing as it has been. Today I went to the living room and spent like 15 bucks on food. I couldn't help it, it was just so delicious. mmm strawberyy tart. but I also did like a week's worth of german homework so... shut up!

I usually cook oatmeal with milk. Just now I used water, like you're supposed to, and it's disgusting! I want to gag. Peace out.

So I'm not too thrilled about the 2 essays due tomorrow, and all the other homework I have been neglecting in order to do them. I'm not to thrilled that I'm stuck in the library all evening. But it's a beautiful day, and the air feels great on my skin, and tonight the sun will be setting an hour later than usual. I don't care what the date is, summer is here and I am glad.

I'm already planning out all the ways I will be slacking off next quarter. I can't wait.

I just slept for about 13 hours. I had a dream that Kim George died. It was really sad. Now I have to write another paper. cool!

baby britain

man, it really would be nice to find out where I am living next year. I don't even care where that much; both schools would be equally amazing. It's just that it would be nice to have a little certainty right about now. It's kind of annoying that sarah and charlene both found out about their programs already and i turned in my application way before them! It makes sense, it's just the nature of my application process that makes it take forever. Also, I had to go and pick the hardest school to get into, possibly in the entire EAP program. I would. So that probably doesn't help. It's still annoying though.

This is a stupid day. That's the only way to describe it. It's stupid that this day is happeneing.

Now I remember. What I really wanted to write about was the music I listened to on the way back to school on sunday. It was many things, but towards the end it was jimmy eat world and the get up kids. It was basically a 14 year old mandy party, and it was wonderful. You know that song "the middle"? I used to LOVE that song. Now I think it's so corny and lame but back then I would actually be comforted by it. even now that i do think it's corny and lame, I still can't help but be comforted by it. And man, the get up kids, so good. I remember listening to them on my cd player going to band competitions. It would be so nice, getting on the bus in the evening and being in love with the older boys and listening to some good old fashioned emo. Those were the days. Just kidding, those days sucked and I wouldn't go back to them if you gave me a million bucks. But the get up kids and jimmy eat world made it better, and they still make it better now that they suck.

So I went home last weekend and that was nice. I saw Josh and Santee, and sat at a table and laughed a lot, and I miss that. I love going home after a long time because there's so much to say and everyone is so happy. And this is maybe the longest I have ever gone without seeing Josh and Santee, so maybe that's why seeing them was so nice.

Yesterday was terrible because I got really sick. I have a cold, and that's fine, but yesterday it was not just any cold. It was the cold of death. I felt dizzy, and couldn't hear that well, and my whole head was stuffed up. I couldn't concentrate on my paper and the drive back to school was a huge bummer. I listened to music that I could sing along to so i wouldn't zone out, but singing is hard when you're sick. My only consolation was my starbucks drink. I never go to starbucks anymore.

Today I ate en entire box of girl scout cookies. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I am not going to buy any more. I'm done. Eating healthy is so hard now, honestly. I started off the quarter so well but now I am back to my old ways of nachos in the middle fo the night and no gym. But I'd like to see you try to balance 15 hours of work, 15 hours of class, and endless ( i mean it! endless!) studying and reading, and still make it to the gym. shit man. I should just give up on the idea of working out and starve myself. That would probably be easier at this point in my life.

I can't wait to go visit sarah. Sarah, I miss you. And I want to be somewhere else besides here for once. I need a change of scene. I say that a lot, don't I? I guess that makes me interesting. I wish I could go somewhere cool for spring break. But I don't think I'm really that kind of person.

Still no news about England. nervousnervousnervous. hope i get king's. i want to live in london bad, but not bad enough to settle for queen mary, i think. so I hope i get king's.

I miss these days so much. Winter quarter, you are dead to me! Be over!

I am excited because Yasha and I are both going to be in the same intro to fiction class next quarter. I miss having people in the same class as me, it's so fun to talk about the teacher and annoying people together. Got an interview set up for tomorrow with my German teacher, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that her parents were Nazis or something interesting like that. Wow, what a terrible thing to say. It's true though, so I won't erase it. You as my blog reader should know who you're dealing with here. Anyway, things are looking up, except for the fact that I might be coming down with a cold. Up, down. Good times.

Oh yeah, um, William Blake is so great! I hope I can take a class on him next year while in England. That would be incredible. I am starting to get really anxious about the whole thing. I was in the programs abraod office yesterday and it got me to thinking about the fact that I should be finding out where I got in really soon. Scary! And uuuuugh omg I looked at my file and read the letter of recommendation that my old Muir 50 teacher did for me. It's really well written and it would be the better of the two except for the fact that it had like FIVE TYPOS! No kidding! Like what a jerk, come on. When you agree to write a letter for someone it's kind of understood that you're going to proofread it at least once! Now I probably won't get into Kings, and it won't even be my fault! I mean I guess I should have read it and not let him drop it off directly to the office, but even if I had, what was I supposed to do? "Hi, the letter you wrote for me has several glaring grammatical errors. I have marked them with a red pen. Please turn in your revised copy along with the original by tomorrow in order to recieve full credit." What an awkward position to put someone in. I am tired of being out in awkward positions!

I am listening to the Arcade Fire for the first time right now (late, as always) and it's pretty good!