Yeah so, it might be another 2 months before I find out about England. Or longer. So don't ask me about it anymore! In the meantime, paperwork sucks hard.

I wonder how exactly I got to be so good at making myself unhappy. Do most people have this skill, or is it only me? And does anyone want to trade? Because I would much rather play the guitar or something.

The thing about the Mountain Goats' "Get Lonely" is that I feel like I could have done it myself. "But you didn't," you say. No, wait, no, that was me. I said that. And it's quite a valid point, I think. But thinking you could have done it yourself is still one step down from awe and amazement. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Ok, wait, I figured it out. It's that the argument "But you didn't" doesn't really go far, because, well, I still could have. It's still the ones you're in awe of that are really the best, I think. At this moment, I think that. Ask me again later.


edit: or does the fact that you didn't imply that you couldn't have? I suppose it probably does, but then, just the fact that you are even thinking that you could have says a lot about the thing you supposedly could have done.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

I hung out at Whitfield's on Friday night. Since all of my roommates were gone, they were nice and let me spend the night, and we put sleeping bags on the floor and had a slumber party. We ate cotixans, made cookies, and watched 3 movies. Here are my reviews:

Upon rewatching Stranger then Ficttion, I decided that it had a lot of potential but wasn't actually that good. I think it was trying to be a Michael Gondry type thing, like what we kids are really into right now, and yet it had a very grown up feel to it. I'm not sure what I mean by that, but it kind of felt like someone was trying to be the cool mom or something. I think I had some problems with the casting, too. I mean, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Will Ferrel? That's kind of awkward and maybe even a little gross for some reason. Emma Thompson was good, but Dustin Hoffman just played the same guy he did in I Heart Huckabees, only with more multitasking and a coffee addiction. Which I found to be annoying. OK, enough bashing, the movie was alright. It's just that I watched it twice in a short period of time.

So then we watched Garden State, and it did not give me the Garden State Feeling. That's when I realized that the Garden State Feeling is a very specifically 2005 feeling, and now it is 2007. I was still disappointed, though. It's sad to grow out of things.

Also saw Me and You and Everyone we Know. It was alright, but I felt like it was just too indie, like someone had sat down to write an indie film. But it looked nice, and had some solid gold dialogue about pooping back and forth...forever. Honestly, I would recomend the movie just for that one scene. It was that good.

We never did get around to sleeping, so I went home at about 7:30 in the morning. The sun had just come up and nobody was out, because it was the first day of spring break. The birds were chirping and I sang along to joanna newsom on my ipod. The walk from sixth to muir is usually a pain in the ass, but this time I highly enjoyed it.

Sometimes, college is just so amazing. It can be 5 in the morning and our whole apartment can be awake and nobody even coments on it. Except for me, right now, on my blog. Damn it! But assuming I hadn't just said that, isn't college amazing?

Dear everyone,

i am so stupid and I cannot speak or read or write german and i thought i could but i have been studying for hours and i still do not understand ahhhhh deathdeatdeath why did i sleep in so late today i think i am losing my mind i just want to watch tv or do something equally mindless and i think i might have failed my final exam for online traffic school what kind of pathetic is that seriously like what the hell i am such a loser today and so stressed out but sarah is coming to visit over break and that is good.

lovemandy

you can radiate everything you are

I think the clothes that people wear during finals weeks are very telling. You can tell so much about the kind of student a person is, how hard their classes are, how concerned they are with their appearance, etc, simply by looking at, say, their hair. Or at least you can pretend that you can tell. For instance, I showed up to my Jane Austen final today, and found that about one third of the class was rocking the messy bun with headband look, just like me. And working in the library on sunday, not a single person camped out outside the film reserves was wearing jeans, as far as I could tell. As I sat there looking at them, suddenly my jeans felt so oppressive. Or maybe it was just all the junkfood I've been convincing myself it's justifiable to eat. Anyway, every time I see someone walk by outside my window in an outfit involving something other than a sweatshirt, or a person with clean straight hair, I feel sorry for their meaningless life. That person can't possibly be as busy and important as I am. No way.


But I'll be honest with you--really I just didn't feel like taking a shower.


You see how that paragraph was all disjointed, but not at the same time? Like how it almost makes sense but then not really? It's annoying to me, cause like if you're going to have it disjointed, just go ahead and do it, right? But I can't stop. It's really frustating.

Headbands are soooo great! They like, hold you hair back! It's awesome. I am having a lot of trouble making myself care about finals.

My little sister is the most brilliant genius of all time and has been accepted to the film school at USC! She's on her way to greatness. Bronte, Tenenbaum, Ripley? Who knows.

Today has been a great day. I got an A on my research paper, and it was the last day of class, and the lectures were on Persuasion, and we went to old town for mexican and I wore my new dress. Like I said, a good day.

Pam, that is, Richard, wanted me to put this on here for some reason. I will humor her, because she is my roommate, and I wouldn't want things to get awkward.

OK, for all of you who seem to care about my future more than I do, I finally got around to calling the programs abroad office today. My advisor said she hadn't heard any news about my application. But, she said that at this point no news is probably good news, because a lot of the people who got denied by their first choice have found out by now and had to send it to the second school. She also said that I will be notified by email, so that means I can stop checking my mailbox every day. The acceptances have apparently started to trickle in, so I should find out relatively soon. I hope you're happy, blog stalkers.

Also, I would like to say, just this once, that lent is harrrrrd and I can't wait for easter, really I cannot. It wasn't that bad at first but now it's week 10 and I have to learn the art of self soothing, and it's no good. My parents should have done that thing when I was a baby where they let you cry and scream for a week straight and then you learn to sleep on your own. Then I wouldn't be in this predicament. I might have abandonment issues, but then I think that on some level we all do.

sleeping bear

I <3 my TA. Sarah, you would appreciate this. He almost invited me to be part of his salon (WTF?! salon?!) until he found out I was only 20. I think he should have invited me anyway, but then I'm glad he didn't, because it would mean having to converse with graduate students in particular and people I don't know in general. Anyway, it's good to know someone thinks you're cool enough to recruit you into their secret society. Plus I have an idea for my final project and I think it will be pretty good, if I can pull it off.

Next quarter, I am going to get fired from my job. I can feel it. 9 AM shifts wednesday and Friday. Oh dear. Also, I got Saturday afternoon. Which is bad, but I feel it's actually better than sunday night for some reason. I dunno, I guess I really value my sunday nights. I will probably miss out on a bunch of beach action, but then again I can just go on Sunday. I doubt I will have much trouble finding willing accomplises. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it so why worry? I must work for England. That is my consolation.

I don't have much to say, really. The nice weather has really put me in a good mood, and my workload is not as mind-numbing as it has been. Today I went to the living room and spent like 15 bucks on food. I couldn't help it, it was just so delicious. mmm strawberyy tart. but I also did like a week's worth of german homework so... shut up!

I usually cook oatmeal with milk. Just now I used water, like you're supposed to, and it's disgusting! I want to gag. Peace out.

So I'm not too thrilled about the 2 essays due tomorrow, and all the other homework I have been neglecting in order to do them. I'm not to thrilled that I'm stuck in the library all evening. But it's a beautiful day, and the air feels great on my skin, and tonight the sun will be setting an hour later than usual. I don't care what the date is, summer is here and I am glad.

I'm already planning out all the ways I will be slacking off next quarter. I can't wait.

I just slept for about 13 hours. I had a dream that Kim George died. It was really sad. Now I have to write another paper. cool!

baby britain

man, it really would be nice to find out where I am living next year. I don't even care where that much; both schools would be equally amazing. It's just that it would be nice to have a little certainty right about now. It's kind of annoying that sarah and charlene both found out about their programs already and i turned in my application way before them! It makes sense, it's just the nature of my application process that makes it take forever. Also, I had to go and pick the hardest school to get into, possibly in the entire EAP program. I would. So that probably doesn't help. It's still annoying though.

This is a stupid day. That's the only way to describe it. It's stupid that this day is happeneing.

Now I remember. What I really wanted to write about was the music I listened to on the way back to school on sunday. It was many things, but towards the end it was jimmy eat world and the get up kids. It was basically a 14 year old mandy party, and it was wonderful. You know that song "the middle"? I used to LOVE that song. Now I think it's so corny and lame but back then I would actually be comforted by it. even now that i do think it's corny and lame, I still can't help but be comforted by it. And man, the get up kids, so good. I remember listening to them on my cd player going to band competitions. It would be so nice, getting on the bus in the evening and being in love with the older boys and listening to some good old fashioned emo. Those were the days. Just kidding, those days sucked and I wouldn't go back to them if you gave me a million bucks. But the get up kids and jimmy eat world made it better, and they still make it better now that they suck.

So I went home last weekend and that was nice. I saw Josh and Santee, and sat at a table and laughed a lot, and I miss that. I love going home after a long time because there's so much to say and everyone is so happy. And this is maybe the longest I have ever gone without seeing Josh and Santee, so maybe that's why seeing them was so nice.

Yesterday was terrible because I got really sick. I have a cold, and that's fine, but yesterday it was not just any cold. It was the cold of death. I felt dizzy, and couldn't hear that well, and my whole head was stuffed up. I couldn't concentrate on my paper and the drive back to school was a huge bummer. I listened to music that I could sing along to so i wouldn't zone out, but singing is hard when you're sick. My only consolation was my starbucks drink. I never go to starbucks anymore.

Today I ate en entire box of girl scout cookies. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I am not going to buy any more. I'm done. Eating healthy is so hard now, honestly. I started off the quarter so well but now I am back to my old ways of nachos in the middle fo the night and no gym. But I'd like to see you try to balance 15 hours of work, 15 hours of class, and endless ( i mean it! endless!) studying and reading, and still make it to the gym. shit man. I should just give up on the idea of working out and starve myself. That would probably be easier at this point in my life.

I can't wait to go visit sarah. Sarah, I miss you. And I want to be somewhere else besides here for once. I need a change of scene. I say that a lot, don't I? I guess that makes me interesting. I wish I could go somewhere cool for spring break. But I don't think I'm really that kind of person.

Still no news about England. nervousnervousnervous. hope i get king's. i want to live in london bad, but not bad enough to settle for queen mary, i think. so I hope i get king's.

I miss these days so much. Winter quarter, you are dead to me! Be over!

I am excited because Yasha and I are both going to be in the same intro to fiction class next quarter. I miss having people in the same class as me, it's so fun to talk about the teacher and annoying people together. Got an interview set up for tomorrow with my German teacher, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that her parents were Nazis or something interesting like that. Wow, what a terrible thing to say. It's true though, so I won't erase it. You as my blog reader should know who you're dealing with here. Anyway, things are looking up, except for the fact that I might be coming down with a cold. Up, down. Good times.

Oh yeah, um, William Blake is so great! I hope I can take a class on him next year while in England. That would be incredible. I am starting to get really anxious about the whole thing. I was in the programs abraod office yesterday and it got me to thinking about the fact that I should be finding out where I got in really soon. Scary! And uuuuugh omg I looked at my file and read the letter of recommendation that my old Muir 50 teacher did for me. It's really well written and it would be the better of the two except for the fact that it had like FIVE TYPOS! No kidding! Like what a jerk, come on. When you agree to write a letter for someone it's kind of understood that you're going to proofread it at least once! Now I probably won't get into Kings, and it won't even be my fault! I mean I guess I should have read it and not let him drop it off directly to the office, but even if I had, what was I supposed to do? "Hi, the letter you wrote for me has several glaring grammatical errors. I have marked them with a red pen. Please turn in your revised copy along with the original by tomorrow in order to recieve full credit." What an awkward position to put someone in. I am tired of being out in awkward positions!

I am listening to the Arcade Fire for the first time right now (late, as always) and it's pretty good!