I think it's nice to feel like I'm a part of things. Living in a city like this makes me feel connected to people. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. It's like, I'm walking along and there are people walking next to me, experienceing the same thing for a moment. And I turn on the news while I cook myself dinner, or flip through a newspaper on the tube. And I just see person after person after person and every once in a while I recognize one of them. And sometimes I am positive that the person next to me is thinking what I'm thinking, and we are in on some little joke. I can be alone if I want to, but there's really no excuse for that, cause there are people and lights everywhere in this place. You don't have a name but they see you for a second as you walk past.

Tonight I went to a gig and I realized I was having fun when all of a sudden I found myself jumping up and down arm and arm with a complete stranger. He turned to me breathless and said "Not bad for a ginger, eh?" gesturing up at the lead singer. I laughed a lot about that. Back home a night like this would have been the highlight of my month. I have to remind myself that such things are not normal. I have lost my ability to be satisfied and calm. I have lost the ability to talk myself into things. Tomorrow I am eating Indian food for lunch.

I get these pangs sometimes. Like today when hana told me that she and thomas were going over to meg's house to hang out. Or when I see my kitchen at home with a box of freshly baked cookies on the stove. Or when I think about dennys and the possibility of a good long conversation about absolutely nothing. or when i so much as hear the word burrito. or when i listen to animal collective and have nobody to song along with. But I think there's a distinction in my mind between missing a place and actually wanting to be there. Because even in my lowest moments here, I don't wish I had never come. In fact, I am quite glad that I did.