God, I would do anything to just have a clique here. I always feel like I'm tagging along. I don't want to have to work this hard.

the poor diet

Alright, so this whole losing-weight thing is really awesome and all, but if I have to actually go pants shopping in this city I am going to be pissed.

Feasting and Dancing in Jerusalem

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

Not a very good day. Have seen a total of two people I know within the last six hours. Wow, I have only been awake for six hours. Am not feeling well. Going to try and read Richard III now. Remind me to never buy McVitti's biscuits again. They are much too delicious.

I haaaaaaate being in my apartment. I think this explains a lot of my actions here. This apartment sucks ass.

I am tired of being sick, I am going to start taking more than one vitamin C tablet each day! So reckless.

"Riches and Wonders" by the Mountain Goats for some reason seems relatable to my current life. Not in a literal sense, but kind of. I am fighting the urge to quote it.... No, it must be done!

we are strong
we are faithful
we are gaurdians of a rare thing
we pay close careful attention
to the news the morning air brings
we show great loyalty
to the hard times we've been through
we are filled with riches and wonders
our love keeps the things it finds
and we dance like drunken sailors
lost at sea
out of our minds
you find shelter somewhere in me
I find great comfort in you

I think it's nice to feel like I'm a part of things. Living in a city like this makes me feel connected to people. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. It's like, I'm walking along and there are people walking next to me, experienceing the same thing for a moment. And I turn on the news while I cook myself dinner, or flip through a newspaper on the tube. And I just see person after person after person and every once in a while I recognize one of them. And sometimes I am positive that the person next to me is thinking what I'm thinking, and we are in on some little joke. I can be alone if I want to, but there's really no excuse for that, cause there are people and lights everywhere in this place. You don't have a name but they see you for a second as you walk past.

Tonight I went to a gig and I realized I was having fun when all of a sudden I found myself jumping up and down arm and arm with a complete stranger. He turned to me breathless and said "Not bad for a ginger, eh?" gesturing up at the lead singer. I laughed a lot about that. Back home a night like this would have been the highlight of my month. I have to remind myself that such things are not normal. I have lost my ability to be satisfied and calm. I have lost the ability to talk myself into things. Tomorrow I am eating Indian food for lunch.

I get these pangs sometimes. Like today when hana told me that she and thomas were going over to meg's house to hang out. Or when I see my kitchen at home with a box of freshly baked cookies on the stove. Or when I think about dennys and the possibility of a good long conversation about absolutely nothing. or when i so much as hear the word burrito. or when i listen to animal collective and have nobody to song along with. But I think there's a distinction in my mind between missing a place and actually wanting to be there. Because even in my lowest moments here, I don't wish I had never come. In fact, I am quite glad that I did.

A long time ago when I went to coachella with sarah we watched animal collective. It was a very surreal and weird experience, but overall pretty disappointing. I was pretty bored during most of the show, except for the very first song, which was basically really really awesome and catchy and exciting. The song remained stuck in my head for, let's see... about a year and 5 months. I tried to descrbie it to people, "it goes kind of like dad dada dada dada da doo doo" and they looked at me blankly. I listened to all of their albums that I have trying to find it with no luck. but tonight I finally got their latest album Strawberry Jam (thanks matt) and what do you know, the song I have been thinking about for a year and a half is the very first song on this album! I was so happy that I closed my eyes.

Incidentally, animal collective is coming to london in a few weeks! I hope i can find someone to go with me. But I'm afraid it might be a repeat of last time, i.e., I might not enjoy it if I'm not on drugs like the rest of the crowd.

Amercan Fiction Seminar (notes)

Clfrn hr w cm rght bck whr w strtd frm
Best in Class
LOL me to sleep
Why do people talk about the likeability of fictional characters?
pigeonblood rubies <--> pigeonblood red
angry laugh
same as she's always been
AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T RUN
TO THEIR UNDYING CREDIT
I don't think Wharton wanted us to think anything. I think she just wanted to write a story.
empty
do we hate her b/c she's a woman?
using her body as cash
orange exension chord stretched aroundthe corner
of your desk
like a rubber band ready
to welt your body
as soon as I snap it
free
I wish I were a liberated woman
My Antonia- READ IT.

Things are feeling really heavy today. I think I got off to a bad start by sleeping through my first class. It wasn't really a bad day. It had its moments, like when I managed to open myself a bank account, and when I watched who wants to be a millonare with my roommates, and when I listened to new slang on my iPod. I guess I am still having some trouble just being ok with a normal daily life. I want it to keep on being vacation time, but it's not. It's time to see what this whole living in London thing is all about, rain and studying included. I think everything is OK; it's just one of those days where the world feels really heavy, even when it's light.