Homesick doesn't make any sense. I can't really figure out why a person shouldn't be just as happy in one place as another, especially if they are able to keep in close contact with their friends and family. But there's just something about that physical distance that bothers you, and I guess there's no convincing yourself it doesn't exist. It's not that you miss the place that is home, or even the people. You do miss the people, but that's not homesickness. Homesickness is something else that is simultaneously completely illogical and completely real.

I am so predictable. I know that if I spend the evening alone I will become lonely and sad, so I'm not surprised by it. But understanding your emotions doesn't really do anything to change the emotions themselves. If anything, it just adds this whole meta level to life which is really annoying, like a song stuck in your head.

Tomorrow I will start my classes and while I know that it will be really refreshing to have something to occupy my mind all the time, I am not feeling very self-confident about my intelligence and I am afriad that I will crash and burn this semester. So far I have not felt locked in to anything here. I have been putting off doing anything that feels permanent, such as buying pots and pans, opening a bank account, or doing my laundry. I don't know how to make myself commit to this experience. I have just been floating along in a haze and living in the moment. It's been a nice change from my usual self but it worries me, and I am afraid I will just keep on acting irresponsible and flighty and never really settle down. I need to CTFO really badly right now, but the idea of doing it makes me feel anything but chill.

I'm always in love.