The trouble with being me at this time of year between thanksgiving and going home for break is that I always feel pretty miserable (I was going to say, "the trouble with being a college student who cares too much about her grades and also christmas and is also kind of homesick and trying to come to terms with being a 'young adult' and grow up with the least amount of trauma possible," but I figured it would be more truthful to just write "me" and then explain why I did so parenthetically). I feel like I am missing out on absolutely all of the fun and christmas cheer while I sit in my room churning out papers and cramming my head full of facts. I feel like everyone else in the entire world must be, right at this moment, cutting out christmas cookies while watching It's a Wonderful Life, sitting in some sort of beautiful church listening to christmas carols, drinking mulled wine in ancient pubs, shopping at cute markets with their adorable little families (this I actually have very good reason to believe), or at least getting really drunk somewhere in picadilly circus. But I feel so far away from all of that. I am trapped in a world of online television, procrastination, nocturnalism, over-eating... well, basically trapped in the finals week style college experience. I am missing it! I am missing it all, and it's all my fault.

It's funny how we Californians assume that colder weather will mean a more christmasy environment. We are somehow convinced, in other words, that the rest of the world is having a way more authentic christmas than we are. We even try to pretend it's colder than it is by wearing unnecessary scarves and caps when we go out at night. But now that I am here in London, with my hands stuffed in my pockets and my scarf and the hot chocolate and the outdoor ice-skating and the millions of twinkle lights, I finally understand that it's really all about the music and the nostalgia. I can't feel nostalgic in London but I can in Fontana, therefore Fontana will always be the more Christmasy place in my mind, despite it's appearance. Speaking of nostalgia, I have to go write 4,500 words about it. I'm not kidding. Tis the season to be scholarly. falalalalalalalala.

diet coca cola and unlit cigareetes

Sometimes London makes me feel a little bit dry, both in my skin and my soul. Maybe that's what it's like to be content or something, but I'm not sure if I like it. I constantly have the urge to write something down, and so I pick up a pen and hold it above the paper, and then realize I don't actually have anything to say. It's like when you talk just to hear your own voice. It's like when you go to take a swig of your drink and realize that you already drank it all. But it's getting better. In the last few weeks I have been reading some really amazing things for my classes. I started off feeling pretty apathetic to most of it, but now I feel an urge to copy down all of the Great Gatsby in my own handwriting. Faulkner too, and Lorca, and Yeats and Ginsberg and Hemmingway. I'm not completely positive but I think maybe America is the best country, or lack thereof, in the world. Not best in the sense that a european might mean (i.e., actually good), but best in all the ways that the europeans never think of. I am being deliberately vague here because I don't actually know what I'm talking about. I don't think I've ever really been to America any more than I've been to France. I am judging purely by what I've heard. ex:

"I look at it, and I think it is the most beautiful history in the world. It is the history of me and of my people. And if I came here yesterday I should still think so. It is the history of all aspiration--not just the American dream but the human dream and if I came at the end of it that too is a place in the line of pioneers."

So maybe I am more at home in american literature than I am in any given physical space. That is sad, but in a beautiful way, and what could be more american than that? Maybe Wilco?

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

I realized that my bottom lip is crooked.

There are way too many options in my life. For instance, tomorrow: finish paper, devendra banhart, or bonfire party at ministry of sound? All three so valuable in different ways. I wish I was being chased by robbers down a narrow alleyway with about a foot on either side between my car and a wall (image courtesy of dave eggers (this symbolism seems disgustingly obvious now but I think it's just because I have thought about it a lot) ). That would be such a relief.

Should I go to grad school? Can I even afford that? What would be the point, besides procrastination? I doubt I will know within a year.

I keep on thinking I am settled, and then getting more settled and realizing I wasn't actually settled before. I wonder when this will stop. I wonder if I really am settled this time. It feels like it. It's nice to come home to a kitchen full of people. It's nice to drink tea. It's nice to feel necessary. It's nice to do your homework. It's nice to live in the first person, if only for a night.

God, I would do anything to just have a clique here. I always feel like I'm tagging along. I don't want to have to work this hard.

the poor diet

Alright, so this whole losing-weight thing is really awesome and all, but if I have to actually go pants shopping in this city I am going to be pissed.

Feasting and Dancing in Jerusalem

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

Not a very good day. Have seen a total of two people I know within the last six hours. Wow, I have only been awake for six hours. Am not feeling well. Going to try and read Richard III now. Remind me to never buy McVitti's biscuits again. They are much too delicious.

I haaaaaaate being in my apartment. I think this explains a lot of my actions here. This apartment sucks ass.

I am tired of being sick, I am going to start taking more than one vitamin C tablet each day! So reckless.

"Riches and Wonders" by the Mountain Goats for some reason seems relatable to my current life. Not in a literal sense, but kind of. I am fighting the urge to quote it.... No, it must be done!

we are strong
we are faithful
we are gaurdians of a rare thing
we pay close careful attention
to the news the morning air brings
we show great loyalty
to the hard times we've been through
we are filled with riches and wonders
our love keeps the things it finds
and we dance like drunken sailors
lost at sea
out of our minds
you find shelter somewhere in me
I find great comfort in you