Blog,

2007-12-01T12:27:00.001-08:00

The trouble with being me at this time of year between thanksgiving and going home for break is that I always feel pretty miserable (I was going to say, "the trouble with being a college student who cares too much about her grades and also christmas and is also kind of homesick and trying to come to terms with being a 'young adult' and grow up with the least amount of trauma possible," but I figured it would be more truthful to just write "me" and then explain why I did so parenthetically). I feel like I am missing out on absolutely all of the fun and christmas cheer while I sit in my room churning out papers and cramming my head full of facts. I feel like everyone else in the entire world must be, right at this moment, cutting out christmas cookies while watching It's a Wonderful Life, sitting in some sort of beautiful church listening to christmas carols, drinking mulled wine in ancient pubs, shopping at cute markets with their adorable little families (this I actually have very good reason to believe), or at least getting really drunk somewhere in picadilly circus. But I feel so far away from all of that. I am trapped in a world of online television, procrastination, nocturnalism, over-eating... well, basically trapped in the finals week style college experience. I am missing it! I am missing it all, and it's all my fault.

It's funny how we Californians assume that colder weather will mean a more christmasy environment. We are somehow convinced, in other words, that the rest of the world is having a way more authentic christmas than we are. We even try to pretend it's colder than it is by wearing unnecessary scarves and caps when we go out at night. But now that I am here in London, with my hands stuffed in my pockets and my scarf and the hot chocolate and the outdoor ice-skating and the millions of twinkle lights, I finally understand that it's really all about the music and the nostalgia. I can't feel nostalgic in London but I can in Fontana, therefore Fontana will always be the more Christmasy place in my mind, despite it's appearance. Speaking of nostalgia, I have to go write 4,500 words about it. I'm not kidding. Tis the season to be scholarly. falalalalalalalala.

diet coca cola and unlit cigareetes

2007-11-25T15:52:00.001-08:00

Sometimes London makes me feel a little bit dry, both in my skin and my soul. Maybe that's what it's like to be content or something, but I'm not sure if I like it. I constantly have the urge to write something down, and so I pick up a pen and hold it above the paper, and then realize I don't actually have anything to say. It's like when you talk just to hear your own voice. It's like when you go to take a swig of your drink and realize that you already drank it all. But it's getting better. In the last few weeks I have been reading some really amazing things for my classes. I started off feeling pretty apathetic to most of it, but now I feel an urge to copy down all of the Great Gatsby in my own handwriting. Faulkner too, and Lorca, and Yeats and Ginsberg and Hemmingway. I'm not completely positive but I think maybe America is the best country, or lack thereof, in the world. Not best in the sense that a european might mean (i.e., actually good), but best in all the ways that the europeans never think of. I am being deliberately vague here because I don't actually know what I'm talking about. I don't think I've ever really been to America any more than I've been to France. I am judging purely by what I've heard. ex:

"I look at it, and I think it is the most beautiful history in the world. It is the history of me and of my people. And if I came here yesterday I should still think so. It is the history of all aspiration--not just the American dream but the human dream and if I came at the end of it that too is a place in the line of pioneers."

So maybe I am more at home in american literature than I am in any given physical space. That is sad, but in a beautiful way, and what could be more american than that? Maybe Wilco?

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

I realized that my bottom lip is crooked.

2007-11-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

There are way too many options in my life. For instance, tomorrow: finish paper, devendra banhart, or bonfire party at ministry of sound? All three so valuable in different ways. I wish I was being chased by robbers down a narrow alleyway with about a foot on either side between my car and a wall (image courtesy of dave eggers (this symbolism seems disgustingly obvious now but I think it's just because I have thought about it a lot) ). That would be such a relief.

Should I go to grad school? Can I even afford that? What would be the point, besides procrastination? I doubt I will know within a year.

2007-11-04T16:49:00.001-08:00

I keep on thinking I am settled, and then getting more settled and realizing I wasn't actually settled before. I wonder when this will stop. I wonder if I really am settled this time. It feels like it. It's nice to come home to a kitchen full of people. It's nice to drink tea. It's nice to feel necessary. It's nice to do your homework. It's nice to live in the first person, if only for a night.

2007-10-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

God, I would do anything to just have a clique here. I always feel like I'm tagging along. I don't want to have to work this hard.

the poor diet

2007-10-09T17:43:00.001-07:00

Alright, so this whole losing-weight thing is really awesome and all, but if I have to actually go pants shopping in this city I am going to be pissed.

Feasting and Dancing in Jerusalem

2007-10-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

2007-10-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

Not a very good day. Have seen a total of two people I know within the last six hours. Wow, I have only been awake for six hours. Am not feeling well. Going to try and read Richard III now. Remind me to never buy McVitti's biscuits again. They are much too delicious.

2007-10-07T06:00:00.001-07:00

I haaaaaaate being in my apartment. I think this explains a lot of my actions here. This apartment sucks ass.

I am tired of being sick, I am going to start taking more than one vitamin C tablet each day! So reckless.

"Riches and Wonders" by the Mountain Goats for some reason seems relatable to my current life. Not in a literal sense, but kind of. I am fighting the urge to quote it.... No, it must be done!

we are strong
we are faithful
we are gaurdians of a rare thing
we pay close careful attention
to the news the morning air brings
we show great loyalty
to the hard times we've been through
we are filled with riches and wonders
our love keeps the things it finds
and we dance like drunken sailors
lost at sea
out of our minds
you find shelter somewhere in me
I find great comfort in you

2007-10-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

I think it's nice to feel like I'm a part of things. Living in a city like this makes me feel connected to people. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. It's like, I'm walking along and there are people walking next to me, experienceing the same thing for a moment. And I turn on the news while I cook myself dinner, or flip through a newspaper on the tube. And I just see person after person after person and every once in a while I recognize one of them. And sometimes I am positive that the person next to me is thinking what I'm thinking, and we are in on some little joke. I can be alone if I want to, but there's really no excuse for that, cause there are people and lights everywhere in this place. You don't have a name but they see you for a second as you walk past.

Tonight I went to a gig and I realized I was having fun when all of a sudden I found myself jumping up and down arm and arm with a complete stranger. He turned to me breathless and said "Not bad for a ginger, eh?" gesturing up at the lead singer. I laughed a lot about that. Back home a night like this would have been the highlight of my month. I have to remind myself that such things are not normal. I have lost my ability to be satisfied and calm. I have lost the ability to talk myself into things. Tomorrow I am eating Indian food for lunch.

I get these pangs sometimes. Like today when hana told me that she and thomas were going over to meg's house to hang out. Or when I see my kitchen at home with a box of freshly baked cookies on the stove. Or when I think about dennys and the possibility of a good long conversation about absolutely nothing. or when i so much as hear the word burrito. or when i listen to animal collective and have nobody to song along with. But I think there's a distinction in my mind between missing a place and actually wanting to be there. Because even in my lowest moments here, I don't wish I had never come. In fact, I am quite glad that I did.

2007-10-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

A long time ago when I went to coachella with sarah we watched animal collective. It was a very surreal and weird experience, but overall pretty disappointing. I was pretty bored during most of the show, except for the very first song, which was basically really really awesome and catchy and exciting. The song remained stuck in my head for, let's see... about a year and 5 months. I tried to descrbie it to people, "it goes kind of like dad dada dada dada da doo doo" and they looked at me blankly. I listened to all of their albums that I have trying to find it with no luck. but tonight I finally got their latest album Strawberry Jam (thanks matt) and what do you know, the song I have been thinking about for a year and a half is the very first song on this album! I was so happy that I closed my eyes.

Incidentally, animal collective is coming to london in a few weeks! I hope i can find someone to go with me. But I'm afraid it might be a repeat of last time, i.e., I might not enjoy it if I'm not on drugs like the rest of the crowd.

Amercan Fiction Seminar (notes)

2007-10-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

Clfrn hr w cm rght bck whr w strtd frm
Best in Class
LOL me to sleep
Why do people talk about the likeability of fictional characters?
pigeonblood rubies <--> pigeonblood red
angry laugh
same as she's always been
AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T RUN
TO THEIR UNDYING CREDIT
I don't think Wharton wanted us to think anything. I think she just wanted to write a story.
empty
do we hate her b/c she's a woman?
using her body as cash
orange exension chord stretched aroundthe corner
of your desk
like a rubber band ready
to welt your body
as soon as I snap it
free
I wish I were a liberated woman
My Antonia- READ IT.

2007-10-01T18:07:00.001-07:00

Things are feeling really heavy today. I think I got off to a bad start by sleeping through my first class. It wasn't really a bad day. It had its moments, like when I managed to open myself a bank account, and when I watched who wants to be a millonare with my roommates, and when I listened to new slang on my iPod. I guess I am still having some trouble just being ok with a normal daily life. I want it to keep on being vacation time, but it's not. It's time to see what this whole living in London thing is all about, rain and studying included. I think everything is OK; it's just one of those days where the world feels really heavy, even when it's light.

2007-09-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Everyone I know is like freaking out right now. I thought freshman year was supposed to be the life-altering one. What is going on?

2007-09-29T20:08:00.001-07:00

I don't really know who I am in this place. I think that is kind of frightening but also kind of awesome.

the strand on a thursday

2007-09-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you might sit in a cafe trying really hard to read Milton for an hour or two and start to get sad because the people you are staring at outside the window are not staring back at you. You might abandon the reading attempt and write anxiously in your notebook while tapping your foot. Outside it could very well be cloudy and you'll zip up your jacket and try to look like you're in a hurry, judging your self worth by whether or not you can keep up with the late-twenties businessman on the sidewalk next to you. You might think about all of these things and about what it means that you are thinking them and wonder if a metalife is real life, and wonder what everyone else occupies their mind with while they are eating lunch alone on a cloudy day. Milton, maybe.

But soon enough you'll probably see someone you know at a crosswalk and stop to talk about weekend plans, and the sun will come out for a few minutes and you'll have to squint to see westminster while the wind blows your hair all in your face. You will put some radiohead on your iPod, pretending that it just makes so much morse sense in england, and realize that it may be just a baby life, but you do actually have a life here, and think to yourself that maybe that could possibly be OK.

2007-09-27T03:59:00.001-07:00

I am healthy and I am whole
but I have poor impulse control
and I wanna go home
but I am home

2007-09-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

Homesick doesn't make any sense. I can't really figure out why a person shouldn't be just as happy in one place as another, especially if they are able to keep in close contact with their friends and family. But there's just something about that physical distance that bothers you, and I guess there's no convincing yourself it doesn't exist. It's not that you miss the place that is home, or even the people. You do miss the people, but that's not homesickness. Homesickness is something else that is simultaneously completely illogical and completely real.

I am so predictable. I know that if I spend the evening alone I will become lonely and sad, so I'm not surprised by it. But understanding your emotions doesn't really do anything to change the emotions themselves. If anything, it just adds this whole meta level to life which is really annoying, like a song stuck in your head.

Tomorrow I will start my classes and while I know that it will be really refreshing to have something to occupy my mind all the time, I am not feeling very self-confident about my intelligence and I am afriad that I will crash and burn this semester. So far I have not felt locked in to anything here. I have been putting off doing anything that feels permanent, such as buying pots and pans, opening a bank account, or doing my laundry. I don't know how to make myself commit to this experience. I have just been floating along in a haze and living in the moment. It's been a nice change from my usual self but it worries me, and I am afraid I will just keep on acting irresponsible and flighty and never really settle down. I need to CTFO really badly right now, but the idea of doing it makes me feel anything but chill.

I'm always in love.

News

2007-09-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

hey guys, I decided to have a seperate blog for traveling, so that I can tell more people about it and you know, keep it more impersonal. And about traveling. Anyway, the url is: http://pseudointellectualtravels.blogspot.com/

how funny am I? I also started a videoblog, the quality of which sucks at the moment, but will improve, and you can see it on the travel blog or on youtube, and my username on youtube is ohmandyyyy if you wanna be friends/stalk me.

over and out,
Mandy

2007-09-05T22:40:00.000-07:00

I know there must be a whole bunch of other stuff to do, but I can't think of anything! Help me! Sarah and Charlene, this means you. Please tell me what I am forgetting.

2007-09-05T02:55:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a very dark, hot, day. Days that are both hot and dark are very rare, and thank goodness, because they really take it out of you. Every activity is torture. Your seatbelt burns you, your jeans stick to your legs, stores' air conditioners can't keep up with the constant flow of open doors and hot bodies, eating even the smallest meal makes you feel sick and bloated. The clouds and the possibility of rain make you want to curl up in bed with a book, but it's much too hot for covers and much to hot for concentration on anything. You are left alone with your hot, dark thoughts. You find out about a form you haven't filled out and your whole world comes crashing down around you. nothing can be done about this form. You will never find the stength inside you to fill it out. You will not make it past this day. You wallow in self pity, fear, and heartburn (I forgot to mention you visited a Mexican restaraunt earlier in the day). At least I did.

I have good days and bad days, when it comes to this whole moving thing. Yesterday, not so good. Today, better. Maybe it was the fact that the temperature dropped 10 degrees, the humidity seemed back to normal, at least relative to the last week, and the clouds were gone. It also could have been the trip to H&M, or the Peppers. I tried huevos rancheros for the first time because I realized I had never tried it. They serve it all day! It was great. Also, my new camera came in the mail! It's beautiful. I have yet to give it a real trial run, but the pictures I took in my dark room look pretty good. I think I am going to try and make a video blog about the next few days, so keep an eye out for that. I am still trying to figure out iMovie though, so it might not happen.

I have to keep telling myself that this is what I want to do. In times like these I find that it's better to ignore your emotions and follow your head. Hopefully this approach will not end in failure.

soooo

2007-09-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

woops.

p.s.- why does mine look so scrunchy?

dear everyone,

2007-09-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

You know how you can have multiple contributers to blogs on this thing? I think it would be really fun if we could all have this joint blog, where anyone could write in it who feels like it, or upload photos and videos and art, and anyone could change the layout or add to the links or change the title or whatever whenever they want. It would be like an exclusive wiki, I guess. Wouldn't that be cool? Does anyone else think that would be cool?

2007-09-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am starting to feel kinda sick to my stomach.

2007-09-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

Today was an incredibly unproductive day, as usual, but I did learn that what you do is way less important then who you do it with. I am perfectly content with sitting outside a closed starbucks with Josh and Santee for long periods of time without getting bored, because we never run out of things to talk about. With other people, we could go to five different places and be bored out of our minds at each of them. I don't really understand why conversation comes so easily between some people and not between others. It seems to me that certain combinations just click for some reason. Weird.

The other day my friend Thomas asked me if I had been writing much lately, and I realized that I hadn't at all. He, of course, had, so I felt pretty uncool about it, and since then I have been thinking about why I am so apathetic and unproductive in the summer months. I have come to the conclusion that I need school to kind of turn my brain on. When I am in school I am constantly thinking over new ideas and taking in new information, and I guess the more that goes in, the more comes out. When I have free time my mind just kind of sits there, and it's really hard to get it moving by pure force. I could write, but nothing interesting would come out. I don't know how I feel about this. What will become of me once I graduate? Yikes.

2007-08-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get really scared about going away and I tell myself that it's not that big of a deal and that people do this kind of thing all the time, but I don't think that's actually true. Most people never actually go out on their own. A lot of people have never been somewhere where they don't know anybody. A lot of people have never lived by themselves, even for a few months. Thinking about this makes me feel really scared, obviously, because nobody likes to be alone. But I also feel incredibly lucky that I happen to have this (insert positive but not cliche noun here) that not many other people have. Mainly because, how can you ever become yourself if you're never truly alone? You need to be far away from people so that you have space to get bigger, I think. And everybody knows that growing is painful, so I am trying not to worry too much about it.

"Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away, you write, and this shows that the space around you is beginning ot grow vast. And if what is near you is far away, then your vastness is already among the stars and is very great." -Rilke

No wonder he hung out with poor people so much

2007-08-31T01:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight Josh Santee and I were talking about some shirt on threadless that depicts Jesus on a hanglider and says "What wouldn't Jesus do?" Naturally we started trying to think of things that Jesus wouldn't want to do, and at first it seemed like the list wouldn't be very long. I brought up the example of if we were to ask Jesus if he'd like to go get some Taco Bell. "He would probably be down for that," I said. But then it occured to us that Taco Bell most likely exploits immigrants or uses meat from animals who are treated very badly. After that we realized that most of the things that we middle-class Americans do probably indirectly hurt someone, somehwere. Even just driving around hurts the environment and therefore all of mankind. Thus, in today's world, Jesus would be pretty hard pressed to think of something he could do that isn't somehow sinful, besides maybe sitting around in the mountains alone reading the bible, which I think is acually worse, with all this bad stuff in the world that needs fixing. In short, as Josh so eloquently put it, it's a pretty sad moment when you realize that Jesus pretty much wouldn't be down for anything you do on a day-to-day basis. Chew on that, friends.

Love the sinner, hate the sin

2007-08-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight while driving home from LA I realized that I love freeways. I really do. The idea of them makes me happy. You can just get on one and go and go, you don't have to think, you just follow the lines for as long as you like, and when you feel like stopping, you just get off, and when you feel like going again, it's there waiting for you.

And then there are the signs! Oh, the signs, constantly imforming you of all your different and exciting options. If, for example, you are following google maps directions and know what you're doing, you can choose between east or west. But if you are more free spirited, you can decide by which city you want to go in the general direction of. You might one day decide that you would like to go towards sacramento for a while and hop on the five north, but if you change your mind along the way and want to head out to santa monica, there's always the 10 west, or for pasadena you could take the 110 OR the 210! If the people at the greek theater make you go out the back way, through the hills, which spits you out in the middle of hollywood instead of onto the 5, it's ok, cause you can just hop right on the 101 and it takes you to exactly the same place! The possibilities are endless. Oh, the 10-15 interchange is closed, you say? Doesn't bother me! I can just get off on etiwanda! Oh no, I didn't merge over far enough and am about to exit on Wilshire! Wait just one minute kiddo, we have this handy just-keep-going-straight-and-get-right-back on-the-freeway thingy for people with just your problem.

Oh, freeways. So infinitely satisfying. The more comlicated, the better, I say. These Inland empire ones are a little on the boring side-- exits always on the right, and onramp for every offramp, logical interhcnaged, smooth pavement. Give me a sign that makes my mouth hang open in utter bewilderment, tell me to cross over four lanes in 30 seconds, make me try to hold my breath while going through a long tunnel in rush hour traffic. Now that's my idea of a good driving experience.

Don't misunderstand me; I still loathe traffice, pollution, car accidents, and things like that. But man do I love freeways.

2007-08-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

I don't mind the weather
I've got scarves and caps and sweaters
I've got long johns under slacks for four straight days
I think that it's brainless
to assume that making changes
to your window's view will give a new perpective
the hardest part is yet to come
and you will cross the country alone

Dear world,

2007-08-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

Do not order the medium at pinkberry. You really get pretty much the same amount of yogurt as the small.

Today I got a really cool and humongous backpack to use as a carry-on and also for weekend trips and such. It is brown and has a big wave on it and kind of looks army-surplus-ish.

I also got a haircut.

Tomorrow is Wilco. Woooo! Not looking forward to the LA traffic though, I've had quite enough of that recently. I am hoping ot dodge most of it by hanging out at USC with my sister for a while. Did you know that at USC you arent allowed to swipe your friends in the dining hall? SHOCKING. I plan to find a way around that, though, definitely.

edit: You actually are allowed to swipe your friends. My mom just doesn't know what's up.

2007-08-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

OK, so this is what I have been wondering. Say you're in a cold climate and you go to a club or something. What do you wear? Do you just freeze your ass off in your tank top? Or do you wear a sweater inside the club? What do you do with your jacket? Do they have like a coat check or something? Do you stip off like 5 layers once you get inside? This is an infinitely perplexing matter to a person who neither lives in a cold climate nor goes clubbing.

Today we went to pinkberry. It was pretty delicious, in my opinion. Pretty freaking delicious. Afterwards there wasn't anything to do so we went to dennys, which was not nearly as delicious. Not for me, anyway. I just ordered coffee. In other news, my throat kind of hurts, and I am afraid I might be getting sick. Now I am going to continue to read Of Human Bondage, the slowest book ever written. I honestly don't know why, of all the books I've started to read this summer, this is the one I chose to actually finish. What the crap. Too late to turn back now. Still got 250 pages to go, though.

2007-08-23T15:10:00.001-07:00

I have found another emotion to add to the pot along with fear, excitement, disbelief, preemptive homesickness, and guilt-- jealousy of those who are already in europe! Jerks. Especially Natalie. There won't be anything left to discover by the time I arrive!

Holy crap.

2007-08-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's in the 60s and raining in London right now. IT'S AUGUST! Holy crap.

edit: I also found out that my housing form thingy made it to london in time and I do in fact have a place to live. I said that like it was an update on something I had been talking about before, but it's not really, because I was having a private freak-out session in my head about it and I was so incredibly freaked out that I couldn't even voice my concern for fear of it coming true. But now I can tell you that I had to mail in this slip saying that I wanted to accept the housing they offered me, and I was deathly afraid that it hadn't reached them, but was too afraid to call and see if it had in case it hadn't. This is too complicated. I am not homeless in a foreign land. Everything is ok.

another edit: my little sister is moving in to college tomorrow! Crazy!

Guess what guys.

2007-08-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

I called England just now! And now I have a place to stay before and after my orientation. Phew! Now if only I can get all this money and housing stuff settled... But I'll worry about that tomorrow, at Tara!

Went down to see Yasha this weekend. I've never seen San Diego so hot and humid before, but it was good times anyway. I ate a lot of bomb food and hung out with the Kristin/Moises/Jack unit (Jack is the dog but you'd never know it the way they spoil him) and met Yasha's mom and acted as driving instructor for a little while. Also we hit up the MOCA and they had a really cool exhibit of this guy who makes pictures out of stuff like toy soldiers, sugar, peanut butter and jelly, ashes, ketchup, dirt, etc. I dunno about from an artistic standpoint, but it was really fun to look at.

I watched sarah z's first video blog and it was really cute so I am thinking of starting my own! D-day is fast approaching and I'm so excited and scared that it's becoming hard to tell the difference. Either way my stomach is not pleased. Yikes!

p.s. check out yasha'a blog for pictures

2007-08-10T01:44:00.001-07:00

Since my week has been so busy I will just make a list:

Biking
Tanning
Eating Breakfast
Reading
Rafting
Eating ice cream (multiple times per day)
Taking pictures
Scratching mosquito bites (10)
Hot tubbing
Smelling pine trees (their bark smells like vanilla!)
Picking wild flowers
Hanging out with deer
No, I am not making this up.

So far we have been staying in a resortish type place in central oregon. It is very naturey and pinetreey. Like for example I was sitting out on the patio one morning enjoying my breakfast and a baby deer scampered on by! At the time I was pretty stoked about it, but by now I am used to the deer. They're everywhere! They jump out of bushes when you ride by on your bike, lay in the shade looking cute, and generally just stand around munching on leaves everywhere. One let me and my brother get within three feet of her! It was amazing. But no bears, unfortunately. I was thinking of leaving some bait outside for them but was informed that such a thing is considered a criminal offense. Oh well. Tomorrow I am going to watch while my sister and others ride horses, then go to a BBQ at the Egglestons (old family friends). On Saturday we leave Sunriver and go to Portland for a night (cool!). Sunday we head down to Roseberg to visit with the family who didn't come on the trip. I will be home late Monday night.

Must go. Too hard to type and scratch at the same time. Why mosqitoes, why? Why me?! Mental note: Eat more garlic.

PS, did you know that llamas act as guard dogs and will kick the crap out of cayotes who try to come onto your property? Tiiiight. Apparently my brother and I were all wrong when we wrote these lyrics:

central oregon has llamas
falalalalalalalala
they're a mix of sheep and camels
falalalalalalalala
don we now our llama sweaters
falalalalalalalala
milk them, make cheese, put on taco
falalalalalalalala

2007-08-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

Ooooh this is fun. Please direct your attention the the bottom right hand corner of this webpage, where you will see (I hope) my brand new poll! And vote, obviously. I have allowed multiple answers, but I fear this may make the poll ineffective, so only answer twice if you are voting for a combination of two, not just because you are indecisive! And you can comment here if you have further hair advice to give. And I don't want any negative nancies messing it up either! You know who you are.

Oh, and the thing at the top of the sidebar is one that got messed up, so just ignore it until blogger will let me delete it. Looks like they've got some kinks to work out on this new feature.

2007-08-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

Am going to oregon tomorrow morning. Have not yet decided if I'm bringing my computer or not, but am leaning towards no. Am currently reading Bridget Jones's Diary. Is quite good. Has inspired me to drop use of all subjects, as seem entirely unnecessary and are implied by verb form anyway. Articles too. Completely useless. Am also excited by possibility of whitewater rafting while in oregon. Is basically the most fun thing ever invented. Hope to see a llama or two and get a nice dark tan to impress the brits.

2007-08-02T15:40:00.001-07:00

Also, did I mention that I'm going to WALK ACROSS THE THAMES EVERY DAY ON MY WAY TO CLASS?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!

2007-08-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

I got my orientation schedule today and I am so excited. Basically it's like the best orientation I have ever heard of. I get to go on a tour of the parliament buildng, see a shakespeare play at the globe, take a cruise down the thames, go on a bus tour, and even go on a pub crawl to all the pubs where writers used to hang out. Ahhhh so exciting! It's like they designed it specially for me. Every time I have seen the parliament building on TV or movies, I have always wished I could go inside it! I didn't even know you were allowed to go in! And the globe! And the writers! I am so glad I get to be a tourist for my first three days and see all the sights. And I will get to meet the other UC kids going to Kings, which will be a huge relief. I hope we get along so I will have some american friends. OMG soooooo excited!

Also, I am now coming home for Christmas break, which will be nice. I am also hopefully gonna do some traveling with charlene and sarah, if things go as planned. Awesome!

For Charlene

2007-08-01T00:22:00.001-07:00

so dreamy! completely out of reach.

Beads

2007-07-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

Today I got some of those hemp rainbows. The lighter colored ones. I'm feeling pretty anxious about it now, because I am pretty sure they won't match as many things--ok lets be honest, my entire wardrobe--and I don't know if I can handle that. I think I might exchange them. It's just that the new light brown ones are so ugly and tight, it seems like they will never become beautiful and oily and molded to my feet. I just have to have faith.

I also got Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke and so far it's pretty much the most amazing thing I have ever read. How can one person be so wise?

I have been reading a lot of beginnings of books lately. Usually this bothers me but for some reason not so much now.

I stopped taking Viccodin and my mouth hurts. But I don't care much cause at least I don't feel all tired and dizzy and nauseous. Plus I have this cool thing to squirt water into the holes where my teeth were. It's very satisfying.

Today at church it smeeled like marijuana.

I was just listening to a song called "Oh Mandy." It was really good! The chorus goes like this: Oh mandy, oh mandy, oh mandy, oh mandy...

2007-07-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Vicodin makes me tiiiiired.

But guess what. I got into my number one choice for housing next year! wooooo! That means no paying for the underground every day, and no dining plan I will never use!

See, strand campus is where my classes will be, and stamford street apartments is where I will live. Just a short walk across the Thames and I'mm there! Holla.

2007-07-24T22:21:00.001-07:00

So, getting your wisdom teeth out is weird. They didn't sedate me totally, so I was still able to hear voices and feel them doing stuff to my mouth. Basically it was like they put in my IV, I was awake and talking, the doctor started putting shots of novacaine in my gums, I said something like "that hurts," the intern kid from notre dame asked me which college I was in at UCSD, I told him, he told me he had applied to warren, and then there was a lot of talking, and what seemed like one minute later, I was awake and the intern kid was telling me to stand up and I picked up the conversation right where we left off, telling him that he should come to sungod some time cause it's really fun. Only this time I had tons of gauze stuffed in my mouth and i couldnt feel my tongue or lips. I had asked them to save my teeth for me, so someone came in and said that they were "marinating," at which I laughed and said "what, are we gonna eat them or something?" Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. When I got in the car they said I was bleeding, so I checked it out in the mirror and saw that my front teeth and lips were all bloody. I thought that was pretty tight. Later, while waiting for my mom to pick up my free smoothie i thought it might be cool to write a story where someone has just gotten their wisdom teeth out and then something crazy happens, so that they have to fend off a thief and terrorist attack while blood is dripping from their mouth and they are still halfway sedated. One half of my bottom lip is still numb and I find that to be incredibly annoying. Also annoying is that they forgot to give me my teeth before I left! Ugh. They'd better save them for when I go back next week.

Deng Homie.

2007-07-24T01:57:00.000-07:00

The flava flav party was not quite as exciting as I had hoped. I already knew that I was a pop culture ignoramus, but now I know even more, because apparently I was surrounded by celebrities that I didn't even recognize. I did however see Ron Jeremy, New York, and some little boys wearing clocks who were probably a couple of his many children. Cute.

Tomorrow I am getting my wisdom teeth out! I am kind of scared about it. At least I can eat lots of ice cream, yeah?

Oh yeah, and I spent the night at Sarah's last night and hung out with her today, which was tight. Sarah, you are tight. Your blog is my favorite piece of literature. You probably shouldn't write in it too much, it might ruin the magic.

Also, Harry Potter. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, so that's all I will say. Harry Potter.

Peace.

Peeves

2007-07-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

You know what's annoying? When poeple talk about Amsterdam too much. Like you say you're going to Europe and they're all heyyyy gonna hit up Amsterdam? heheeh. Oh man, drugs. As if you couldn't buy all the same stuff in Fontana if you wanted to. What is even more annoying is when during the conversation you become pretty sure that they think Amsterdam is a country.

Incidentally, I hate it when people don't know anything at all about the Inland Empire, and think that it's gonna take you three hours to drive to Hollywood. Or when you say you're from Fontana and they think you said Montana. Or when they picture Fontana in their mind and it looks very similar to Montana. Or when you find yourself wishing you actually were from Montana, because that would make for much easier small talk.

Oh yeah, it is also annoying when people talk about the Autobahn too much, like there's just this one really fast road. Autobahn just means freeway, and there are multiple freeways in germany, and freewyas have traffic, despite their speed limit or lack thereof.

Try again

2007-07-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

My sister is home from Europe and she came bearing swiss chocolate, original paintings by starving artists in paris, and clothing and accessories from the latin quarter. Oh, for traveling. I can't wait for my turn. Seriously, the taste of this chocolate is different from all others.

San Diego was fun times. I did everything I wanted to do while there, and more. It's so nice to be near the ocean in the summer. Just something about the feeling of the air, or the lighting maybe. There was one bad part towards the end that involved three hours of waiting and a slight sunburn, but even that could have been much worse.

Right now is a little bit stressful because there are maids and furniture moving guys in the house and I am the only one home! Well, and trudy, but she is being surprisingly well-behaved for once. Being an adult is not that fun! I think I am going to try and avoid it as much as possible.

Got my student visa in the mail, and it looks very official and snazzy in my passport. Now I am pretty much just waiting to hear where I will live. It will be nice, I think, to know.

And yes, I did indeed delete my last blog because I felt dumb about thinking Harry Potter was yesterday! What can I say, I live in a bubble. I didn't even find out until 10 PM that I had to wait another 26 hours! You can imagine my agony. I hope hope hope this book will not disappoint. I don't know if the world can handle it.

2007-07-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

So, I started a new notebook and it is medium-sized. My little moleskine is still in use but since it's so small, I feel like I have to be careful about what I write in it. Medium to large notebooks, I find, are much more conducive to complete nonsense. I offer the following statistics as proof: since last night I have filled up 11 pages in this red steno book, while after a few months i have only filled up 32 pages of the small one. and those are small pages! See, this blog entry? This is the kind of thing I have been writing in my new notebook. Useless crap. Not that I don't love my useless crap. I do.

Free music is awesome.

2007-07-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

Don't you agreee? That's why you should probably go here and go get this free radiohead cover album! I am currently listening to the My Brightest Diamond's version of Lucky and it's pretty sweet. So at least get that song. OK.

Harry Potter (movie)

2007-07-12T01:57:00.001-07:00

I thought it was pretty corny, and also somehow slow and rushed at the same time, and also not nearly dark enough. But, as Josh said, it could have been a lot worse (think: first and second movies).

Sometimes I wish I were a screenwriter just so I could write some convincing dialogue for these poor kids. I understand the whole time constraint thing but my goodness. Or maybe they just can't act. On second thought I think this is probably the case.

Watching the movie did, however, get me super pumped for the final book. I am legitimately concerned about how this all will play out. When the world is sick, can't no one be well?

Also.

2007-07-11T03:20:00.000-07:00

Last night on Conan I saw a black bear cub (it was actually brown) and a two-headed mini turtle.

The Entertainment Capital of the World!

2007-07-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

If I were an artist, I think my life's goal would be to get to paint a mural on the 101. Man, that would rock! And it would be pretty easy to show up the other ones, cause man, some of them suck ass. Like, you know the one with all the children of various races running and playing? What's up with the very last kid? I think he's supposed to be either white or hispanic, or maybe italian. Whatever. He's got the ugliest expression of all time on his deformed little face. He's like the token retarded kid of this mixed-race neighborhood. He also looks a lot younger than the rest, which indicates, to me anyway, that he's either got the downs or is just a runt. My point being, whichever race is supposed to be represented by that kid should be pissed, cause he looks like crap.

As much as I enjoy that one, however, I must say that my favorite mural is the one with the cop pointing out at you saying "BUCKLE UP." I think maybe like a mile further down they should write "...or else." Maybe some highway accident statistics to brighten your morning? Or oh, I know, a picture of a head cracked open on the asphalt with brains spilled everywhere. It would have to be very photorealistic, though, to be effective.

Does it seem like I have been spending way too much time on the 101 for someone who lives in Fontana? Well, it's true, I have. However, I must say that out of these four incredibly long work days, the hour drive each way has been by far the best part. I still get kind of excited each time I drive past downtown, and even more so when I see the hollywood sign up in the hills, the capitol records building, and exits for all the famous streets. And the murals.

Here is an example of the kind of incredibly stimulating social interaction I have been exposed to in the last three days:

Woman holds up beach towel. "How much?"
"That one's ten. It's on sale. Normally it would be twenty. The sponge bob ones are ten and the rest are twenty."
"Um. No English."
"Oh. Sponge Bob, Ten (points). All the rest, twenty (points)."
"Oh." Puts down towel and walks away.

Either that or:
"Where is Jurassic Park?"
"Jurassic Park? You know, I'm not sure. I'm actually a temporary worker, so I don't really know my way around. Sorry."
"Oh. Ok."

or just:
"One coke? Three dollars... And 17 dollars is your change, thank you."

Yeah, you heard me. Threeeee dollars. You don't even wanna know about the beers.

In conclusion, I would like to note that an hour spent driving toward your home passes about ten million times faster than an hour spent standing on sore feet next to a kiosk filled with 20 dollar flip flops which nobody is buying in the cold alone listening to a live band which is stationed about 10 feet away from your ear play the same songs every thirty minutes and they are as follows: I'm a Believer, All Star, Hey Ya, Born to be Wild, If the Swamp is a rockin don't come a knockin. All of which songs are owned, apparently, by Universal, and have had their lyrics changed to have more to do with Shrek. Oh my God.

valuable life lessons:

2007-07-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

- British people call cotton candy "candy floss"
- Canadians call the restroom the "washroom"
- In spanish, coke is "coca"
- do not buy cheap shoes if you will be standing in them for 8 hours a day
- there is always traffic on the 101, even at noon
- the starbucks breakfast sandwiches aren't really that good, stick to mcdonalds
- do not work at amusement parks

You'll thank me one day.

2007-07-09T00:27:00.001-07:00

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuughksdjgvnKFBJNNGFKBJNABF,AMF BA,BF,MFBAlweufoiuerghrughjf cksegaobfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

wow.

2007-07-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

My feet hurt really badly right now. 8 hours straight of walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Oh, I forgot to mention that during this walking back and forth I was carrying things. Relatively heavy things (relative to nothing, which is what I usually carry). Other than the physical pain, this job is totally easy though. I just watched everyone else and copied them, and the client didn't even know I was new. buahahaha. And we got to eat the dinner AND the wedding cake, which was delicious. Oh, and I got to go inside of warner brothers studios. It was cool. I saw the water tower. The wedding reception was in this part called Brownstone Street, cause it's a whole street of fake brownstones that they use to film movies and stuff. So it was reeeaaalllly cute. Allt he guests entered on a red carpet next to the fake movie theater that had the names of the bride and groom on the marquee. And everything was decorated in brown and lime green! It sounds ugly but it was really nice. And there was a really good jazz band. Basically, if any of you have really rich parents, you should consider getting married at warner brother's studios, cause dang that was a really nice wedding. Who would've thought?

2007-07-07T04:46:00.000-07:00

My first day of work is tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it, so I am staying up all night watching Felicity, season 4. Season 4 is pretty bad, by the way. Pretty bad. But hey, whatever, cause I read, let's see, about 7 pages of Faulkner earlier this evening! Wow, right now Javier's cat is drinking coffee (milk and two sugars).

So anyway, I spent all day shopping for black pants and polo shirts and undershirts and belts and wine openers and lighters. OK, I suppose that I didn't have to give you the entire list, I'm sorry. All I can say is, I had better make some serious money with this stupid job cause I sure as hell spent enough already for it.

2007-07-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

I think that I probably need a good notebook.

2007-07-03T15:30:00.001-07:00

when you're back in your old neighborhood
the cigarettes taste so good
but you're so misunderstood
so misunderstood
there's something there that you can't find
you're honest when you're telling a lie
you hurt her but you don't know why
you love her but you don't know why
short on long-term goals
there's a party there that we oughta go to
if you still love rock and roll
you still love rock and roll
it's only a quarter to three
reflecting off of your CD
you're looking at a picture of me
staring at a picture of me
take the guitar player for a ride
he aint never been satisfied
he thinks he owes some kind of debt
be years before he gets over it
there's a fortune inside your head
all you touch turns to lead
you think you might just crawl back in bed
the fortune inside your head
you know you're just a mama's boy
positively unemployed
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
I know you got a God-shaped hole
bleeding out your heart full of soul
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
so misunderstood
I'd like to thank you all for nothing
I'd like to thank you all for nothing at all
I'd like to thank you all for nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing at all

2007-07-03T03:06:00.000-07:00

no new secrets this week?! shocking.

2007-07-03T01:44:00.001-07:00

Hi, I'm a brown bear, and I'm easily the coolest animal in north america!

shut up.

redundancies

2007-07-03T01:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a good night. Josh and santee came over and we set off some really amazing (read: most boring I have ever seen in my entire life but in a really hilarious way) fireworks. I can't wait for the actual fourth because I love fireworks with all my heart. I know I already talked about this but I am actually sad about the whole fireworks becoming illegal thing. I mean actually get a sad feeling inside when I think about it. Also a little bit of outrage is mixed in. My childhood is going up in flames and screaming like a piccolo pete. Josh and Santee, by the way, dropped the ball and did not purchase any piccolo petes for tonight's pre-game festivities. also only one pack of ground blooms. Way to botch things up, guys, for serious.

After that we went to Corky's (it's like dennys but not) and ate with marcos. marcos was incredibly happy to see me, as always, and as always, I was mildly disturbed by this. However, I soon became distraced by the fact that I ordered 2 pieces of french toast and ended up getting THREE. mmmm delicious.

When I got home my sister and I created an amazing illustration of harry potter becoming a death eater despite ron's pleas, and laughed a lot. Now I have to occupy my mind for a few more hours because I managed to sleep pretty much all day long.

Dear Sarah,

2007-07-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

Today I mailed in my visa application. It was really stressful and if my passport gets lost in the mail it will be even more so, but hopefully it will all be taken care of after this. I got hired at the party staff but have not worked at all yet. I still need to buy pants with beltloops so i can tuck in my shirt and look like a total ass. I am pretty stoked about this. If I am not offered any jobs this weekend, I might come down to san diego. If not, I will be there soon enough. My family has been here visiting and I have decided that I do not like kids anymore. They are intimidating and very difficult to hold a conversation with. I always feel stupid talking to kids, or condescending, and I hate asking them how old they are. Why can't people ever think of things to say to kids besides "how old are you?" I mean they probably don't mind much, but I feel really lame about it. Anyway the kids are gone now and it's just our family and one other, and in comparison to yesterday, it's silent as a tomb here. Phew. I finished my first book of the summer, and now have at least 9 more to go. This number is arbitrary but important. I decided I dont read nearly enough so I assigned myself the task of reading at least 10 books this summer. Anyway, in regards to the first book (see below for more details), all I can say is damn, that guy knows how to write an ending. Those endings, they really get me! It seems like it's possible to have a pretty mediocre book that still ends up being good because of the ending. Anyway, they stick in my mind for long periods of time. I'm now movingon to Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. Hopefully I can get through it. It's almost the fourth of july which is exciting, but I am pretty bummed out because this will be the last year Fontana will allow fireworks. What freaking jerks. I honestly don't understand grown ups, really, I don't.

2007-06-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Today I got a new purse and there were 16 silica gel packs inside it.

I ate three and gave one to my dog.

2007-06-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a whole bunch of free musics from daytrotter.com. It was tight, and they are good musics. I got girzzly bear, rafter, peter and the wolf, and alela diane so far. I have been wanting to listen to peter and the wolf forever, but someone from whom I get all my music does not have any peter and the wolf. yeah, get on it, thanks. So I had to go to great lengths to get these free downloads; there were at least ten clicks involved, and frankly, my finger is tired. However, I really like these four songs! I am excited to hear their actual albums someday. And as for the others, they are good, but I already knew that.

I know that I spelled grizzly wrong but I decided it's funner this way. Like giirrrrlzzy bear. I dunno. Fun.

Ok, so who has read a heartbreaking work of staggering genius? It isn't really like I expected it to be at all, and once I am done I would like to talk about it with someone. I mean what exactly is he doing here? He kind of doesn't even allow you to have an opinion on it. He's just written it and he makes it pretty clear that he's writtwen it for himself, some kind of purging/coming to terms thing. And yet it's so widely read, nominated for the pullitzer prize, etc. Did he just get insanely lucky with this? And this whole thing he does where he's metacognitive to the point of complete chaos-- is this where writing is going? Is that too easy? Is easy bad? Is complete chaos of thought somehow more honest than trying to figure out some kind of answer?

Few writers make me think as much as Dave Eggers does. And I find that a little bit ironic, which makes me feel like a jerk because it means I don't take him seriously for some reason. Why don't I take him seriously? If I told you my guess, would that make me even more of a jerk? I think it would. For once I will hold back.

Gotta get dressed, the relatives are here!

Summer: Week One Highlights

2007-06-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

- kind of almost getting a job with very little effort
- gilmore girls, season two (lowlight: end of gilmore girls, season two)
- lying on the grass at the absolute most perfect time of day, listening to robert/whitfield play the guitar
- driving an hour to go to Sonic (at sunset)/ordering through awesome speaker thing/foot long chili dog
- sitting on a dock in relative silence for a very long time, and the things that go along with that, such as, but not limited to, water, reflections, rowboats, sweaters, all you need is love
- free iced tea at the bucks
- dennys dennys dennys

2007-06-20T20:01:00.001-07:00

sarah jessica, you're my hero!

2007-06-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

worst moving day ever so far in college!

I am so tired.

I am so glad that's over.

I am so ready for some nonstop DVD marathons and pool floating.

I am so about to eat a lot of candy.

2007-06-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I wish I was smaller, a little creepy crawler

2007-06-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ah, my last shift at the film and video reserves, just how I like it: boring and lonely. I am closing by myself tonight, and there have been about 10 people in here total since I arrived. What a fitting end. I can't really decide how I feel about this job overall. It was pretty good money, not at all difficult, and conducive to being a student who has a lot of homework and lives on campus. However, I think there is something to be said for challenging oneself, even in the context of shitty part time jobs. Ask me again this summer when I have a job that involves standing on my feet and actually dealing with people, and see what I see then. I have a feeling it might be very different, but alas, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I hope nobody takes this personally, because it's not at all, but I am really not looking forward to the pilgrimage home on saturday. It's just that the idea of spending the entire summer in Fontana makes me feel very very numb, which is one of my least favorite feelings. Also, I have yet to seriously think about what I'm going to do for work. Oh, death.

I got through finals by the skin of my teeth, planning only a few hours at a time and finishing everything at the very last minute. Thank goodness this was such a chill quarter, or things may have gotten really ugly.

I am currently reading my fiction teacher's novel, Madeline is Sleeping. I don't know. I think I came into it not wanting to like it for some reason, and now I am still waiting to be convinced. It would help, I think, if I had some idea what the hell is going on with the plot. The thing is though that now I want to like it, since my teacher likes me, and I want to feel really great about that. It's just that I think I may have screwed myself over by starting the book with a bad attitude. Or maybe it's just not my style, I don't know. It's not salinger, that's for sure. Thank God they don't teach too much salinger in school. I don't want them to ruin it for me, ever. I refuse to let them ruin salinger for me! never!

This has been long. Back to online videos/myspace/facebook/sufjan stalking/ipod/madeline is sleeping/solitarie

p.s.- do any of my compulsive-blog-checking roommates want to go to cotixans tonight?

2007-06-14T00:55:00.001-07:00

I bought a lava lamp.

2007-06-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

Who wants to go to Wilco at the Greek Theater on August 29th?

Besides me, of course.

2007-06-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so yesterday was insane. But the final went well, and I was surprisingly fluent after not really having to talk in German all quarter.

Congrats to my siblings for graduating from their respective schools. Nice hustle.

Now that I'm in the home stretch of finals, I have moved on to dreading the move-out process, and also just leaving san diego in general, which will suck despite all my fernweh.

Must go finish story about awkward oregon trail boy.

2007-06-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

This will be my only complaining blog this week, I swear. I just feel that it's worth noting how much of an idiot I have been being these past few days, and especially yesterday, which I spent watching TV and attending a "chapbook party" where absolutely no chapbooks whatsoever were created. So I was up til like 6 in the morning doing the chapbook for real, and now I have to somehow manage the four hours of driving necessary to attend my sister's graduation this evening on only two hours of sleep! Also finish preparing for my german final which is at 8AM tomorrow. Oooohhhhh boy, what have I gotten myself into?

And the real kicker is that I forgot to bring my german book to work with me, so during the only time I could actually be working on the final, I am instead about to go check my facebook for about the 15th time today. Go team Mandy!

also: that german dude from Goodbye Lenin is pretty freaking attractive!

2007-06-12T10:00:00.001-07:00

coffee I need coffee SOMEONE GET ME SOME COFFEE

I am a published author

2007-06-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

so far, one (count em, one) copy of one chapbook. this one's gonna be worth the big bucks.

My Weekend

2007-06-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

Friday: pain.bed.mercado.bed.cheeseburger.homework.pain.

Saturday: drive.josh.burrito.nap.cheeseburger.homework.josh.homework.

Sunday: sunburn.grandparents.enchiladas.flautas.taquitos.burritos.guacamole.guacamole.guacamole.drive.guacamole.

2007-06-09T13:45:00.001-07:00

party in a box!!

Sitting in Class

2007-06-09T03:37:00.000-07:00

I will tap out a minor chord with mallets
on the ascending notes of your vertebrae,

construct bagpipes of your lungs,
squeeze out the notes I want to hear,

play a sonata on the strings of your DNA,
and retune your code until
you love me as much as I love this song.

2007-06-09T00:16:00.001-07:00

ooooooooowwwwww

2007-06-08T16:58:00.001-07:00

are you writing from the heart?
are you writing from the heart?

I am good at german now

2007-06-07T03:40:00.000-07:00

So I translated this bad boy all by myself. They say you can only translate something well if you actually like it, so I picked this. It reminds me a lot of "Why You'd Want to Live Here" by Death Cab, and "Los Angeles, I'm Yours" by the Decemberists, both of which I really like. For some reason I am attracted to these things that bash LA, but not because I hate LA. I think I love LA because of how much it sucks, in a way. It's like, for real. Anyway this is the poem in translation, and I'm actually pretty proud of it!

(oh yeah, the background is that this guy brecht was exiled from germany during the nazi era and relocated in santa monica for a while with a bunch of other german artists who apparently all hated on LA together!)

Thinking About Hell
by Bertold Brecht

Thinking, so I hear, about Hell,
My brother Shelley found it to be a place
Roughly similar to London. I
Who do not live in London, but in Los Angeles
Find, thinking about Hell, that it must be
Even more like Los Angeles.

Even in Hell
There are, I don’t doubt, these luxuriant gardens
With flowers as big as trees, admittedly wilted
Without delay if not watered by very expensive water.
And fruit markets
With entire heaps of fruit that nonetheless
Have neither scent nor flavor. And endless trains of cars
Lighter than their own shadows, quicker than
Foolish thoughts, shimmering vehicles, in which
Rosy people, who come from nowhere, go nowhere.
And houses, because they’re built for the happy, stand empty
Even when occupied.

Even the houses in Hell are not all ugly.
But the worry of being thrown out on the street
Consumes the inhabitants of the villas no less than
The inhabitants of the barracks.

2007-06-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

I learned my lesson tonight, and I am never going to the doctor again! I had to wait like two hours just to get a douchebag leg brace and some douchebag crutches! llllllame. never again, I tell you. never again.

summer to do list:

2007-06-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

- make chapbook
- construct longboard (skate, not surf), or at least decorate in ridiculous/artsy fashion
- learn to ride longboard
- go on roadtrip to somewhere either actually cool or so lame it's cool
- visit san deigo (lots)
- visit berkeley (maybe)
- manage to save money despite these plans

to be continued

2007-06-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Last night was so sureal. The fire alarm went off what felt like about 10 times but in all likelihood was many more. Diden't sleep for more than a half an hour at a time, but was so tired I would only wake up for a few seconds, be incredibly disoriented, and then fall back asleep. Was offered a hotel room at some point, turned it down. Come morning there were loud strangers in my room; only saw them for a few seconds as well before the eyes shut. When my actual alarm went off at 11:00 for class, I turned it off as quick as I could, thinking to myself that I never want to hear an alarm again in my entire life. Unfortunately I had set another one for 11:30.

by the way, there was no fire, in case you were still wondering.

On the dark side, my friend

2007-06-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

I wonder how long it will take Anu to notice I have this song on repeat.

2007-06-03T00:49:00.000-07:00

I am totally obsessed with this blogotheque website, like woah. Those videos are amazing. I haven't watched them all, but so far I especially recommend the national, the arcade fire, grizzly bear, and sufjan, of course. I can't even tell you how beautiful these movies are. You have to see for yourself! I also highly enjoyed this little bit of insight:

I never thought I would be able to film Sufjan. I tried my chance one time before but the good man needs his time, a kind of slow accession into a calm moment of rare revelation. And so it was no surprise that 10 minutes before filming him, he kind a freaked out, saying, with fleeing and frightened eyes like an animal being hunted « No, no, I don’t want to be filmed anymore, leave me be. »

Let us ignore the awkward translation and focus mainly on how badly we want to give Sufjan a hug, shall we?

In other news, tonight I did some grafiti in the mandeville staircase. I ruined my UCSD sweatshirt, but it was so worth it. OK, it may not have been worth it, but it was fun!

2007-06-02T17:12:00.001-07:00

like the way you dig sunsets, pony. that's gold.

this is a test

2007-05-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

Shit man, I heard some seriously terrible poetry today. Like woah. I think we could probably just have all listened to "The world is a rainbow" by Rafii and that would have been more thoughtful than the stuff I was listening to. uuuuuughh sometimes being in writing classes really makes me disappointed in humanity. This is the part where I should say "but there was also some really good stuff," but I don't feel like saying that right now, ok?!

(there was, though)

also:

2007-05-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

Oh my God.

http://www.stereogum.com/archives/new-sufjan-stevens-in-the-words-of-the-governor-st.html#more

too excited for html, sorry.

You have no idea how happy this makes me.

2007-05-30T11:24:00.001-07:00

The shins playing the streets of Paris. I almost cried, seriously.

http://www.dailymotion.com/related/3520037/video/x1pcay_44-the-shins-part1/1

There is also a really really great one of sufjan. Really really great. Really really really great.

today's thoughts.

2007-05-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to be secretly glad when coffee spills all over your poetry reader? (related: is there such a thing as an accident? think: there's a boy in the girl's bathroom)

also: Is it wrong to know your poem will be misunderstood and yet not change it just so you can feel complicated?

also: Is it wrong to bend your notebook back and forth for the length of an entire poetry reading, so that it feels more broken in? (Same question applies to purposely scuffing up converse tennis shoes.)

new topic: Some people are really easy to make fun of. Are these the best people, or the worst?

note to reader: Don't misunderstand me, at least not willfully.

9th grade nostalgia night

2007-05-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

is tomorrow just a day
like all the rest
how could you know just what you did
so full of faith yet full of doubt
I ask
again
I shall ask you this once again
he said
I am but one small instrument
do you remember that?
time and time again you said
don't be afaid
if you believe you can do it
the only voice i want to hear is yours
again
I shall ask you this once again
he said
I am but one small instrument
do you remember that?
so here here I am above palm trees
so straight and tall
you are smaller
getting smaller but I still
see
you

-jimmy eat world

(I think I am going to have to put A Prayer for Owen Meany as number one on my summer reading list, cause it's kind of stalking me a little bit)

please be patient with me

2007-05-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, I really like this new Wilco album. It's so 70s and nostalgic sounding. Not that I was alive in the 70s, but my parents were, and my earliest music memories reflect this.

Tonight I am staying up all night, just because it's easier that way. What's the point of sleeping for a couple hours, just to be incredibly late and not rested and worse at life in general? Besides, early morning hours are good for wallowing.

Today I went to a student reading of poetry and prose and there was some really amazing stuff going on there. My tutor for fiction class was one of the people reading and her stories were really great, which makes me feel good about the fact that she always compliments my writing (which is even better when I consider that I don't actually try very hard at all in that class because it annoys me). The other three people were great too; I won't go into it, but you can just take my word, I suppose. I wondered to myself how it is that these guys who are only a couple years older than I am manage to take themselves so seriously, not just as writers, but in general. I have a lot of trouble taking myself seriously. I feel the need to apologize for the things I do, or laugh them off as silly even when I don't think they are silly at all. At this point in my life, however, this may be for the best.

Tonight I had a strong urge to get in my car and go running (that is, driving--this is america, after all) for the hills. More specifically, the foothills directly below mount baldy. I'm not sure what caused this, besides the pure and pathetic need to escape. The season finale of Lost depressed me a lot, among other things, and I just wanted to get out. Maybe it's just spring fever. Maybe the sun just needs to come out (did you know in san diego they have something called "may gray"? "June gloom" doesnt quite seem to cover it down here by the ocean. they had to come up with "may gray" as well to articulate the extent of this dismal mediocre weather that is the bane of every student's springtime existence). Maybe I just need to do my german grammar exercises and not write so much poetry, or papers about it for that matter. Yeah, must be all the poetry.

2007-05-22T03:15:00.000-07:00

Because I was lacking in inspiration for my long poem today, I sent both Josh and Whitfield the same text message, which read, "If you had to write a poem about the 909, what would you write?"

Josh replied:
How cynical and disenchanted living in it has made me. Or how I hate bros.

Whitfield replied:
Josh

Thats when I knew I was on the right track.

2007-05-20T23:07:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling pretty down today. But, I had a good cry to some elliott smith (sadly, I am not joking about this), cleaned my room a lot, and started my laundry. I feel quite a bit better now.

Ouch

2007-05-19T15:37:00.001-07:00

When I stood up out of bed this morning, I realized that pretty much every muscle in my body is sore and stiff. I can't imagine what could have caused this, except for maybe trying to hold back mobs of people while waiting in "line" for sungod, or dancing for like 2 hours straight. I was also silly enough to wear my rainbows, which resulted in the breakage of both big toe nails. What I'm trying to get at here is, Sungod was fun!

Today, however, I am feeling rather sad.

2007-05-18T02:45:00.000-07:00

UCSD? more like

MASSACHUSETTS BAY COLONY!!!!

2007-05-17T23:42:00.000-07:00

Dude, so I was watching the san diego news (lolz) just now, and guess what I saw? You know that corner down on Arrow where all the day laborers stand? Well on that corner two of the guys got KIDNAPPED and the kidnappers drove them all the way down to TJ and left them there! Like holy crap. I mean first of all, wow, Rancho was on the news! I was like, I KNOW THAT CORNER. But secondly, and more importantly, that is so incredibly messed up. That's just the kind of inhumane bullshit that anti-immigration people get criticized for all the time. It's one thing to talk about it on a political or economic level, but to actually attack two guys who are just trying to do the best they can is not ok. As if the kidnappers wouldn't have done the exact same thing in their position.

But don't worry guys, Matt and I have a lead that we're gonna follow up on. Matt's gonna make it big after this expose. The New York Times will be knocking at his door in no time. Let's just say there a couple of AM talk show hosts that fit the profile of the kidnappers exactly... more at 11.

2007-05-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

New Wilco album, yeah!

Sarah's coming tomorrow!

So much to do tonight!

2007-05-15T01:34:00.001-07:00

I AM SUCH A SLACKER.

2007-05-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

I am listening to 70s music right now. It makes me feel good inside. almost as good as 60s music. Whitfield's mother told me the other night that she once got to go onstage with Donovan. HOLY CRAP. You grown ups are so lucky. No, on second thought, I think our music is better. Yeah, I said it.